Okay so there was this boy right? As there always is, but I thought that we had something. I thought that our connection ran way deeper than a friendship but as it turns out, we hardly made acquaintances. We are just people who knew each other from the beginning of primary school, 10 years ago. We are just people whose parent's are friends. He was that person who only hung out with me because he had to, or because he was sick of his siblings, or we were going to the same place. Never because he actually wanted to. Never because he liked being in my company. Never because he thought we actually had something, a friendship in the very least.
He is the kind of boy had relationships, all the time. A player I suppose and wasn't uncommon for him to say "oh no we broke up I go out with ____________ now". His relationships never lasted more than 2 weeks and I thought I could be the one to change him, you know? That I could be the one that he ends up loving, that I could be the one who makes him change his ways and we could be married and have kids and be happy for the rest of our lives.
But I now realise that he won't really change. I realise that we will never have a chance become more than friends. And I know it's not my fault because if he really liked me he would like me for me not because of my body, not for my money, not because I can make him laugh, because he genuinely liked me. And he didn't. But I guess that's okay because everybody has preferences.
And I would say it's all his fault because he led me on, led me to believe that we could have a chance but that's not what happened. It was me making it into something it wasn't. It was me making it more than what it really was because that what I wanted it to be. I wanted us to have the greatest love you could imagine. I wanted us to have a love so powerful and intoxicating that even years after it had ended he can still taste it. I wanted to be the one who he loved so much that he changed his player ways. But I wasn't and it was over before I could even say it began. I realised I was in love with version of the boy I had created in my head. Not the one standing next to me.
And as much as I want to hate him I can't because he never did anything wrong by me, he was just being his normal, charming, funny self. And I hate it because then the blame falls to me. But why was I the second option he wasn't guilty of doing wrong, only of not loving me. Not even a version, an idea of me. And I guess I'll just have to deal with it because how do you explain to someone that your heart is "broken". That your heart is broken by someone who you do not/did not ever have a relationship with? And people have said that if you get enough closure you can move with your life.
But how can you get closure with someone if you didn't even date them? You can't. Exactly. And as much as Im trying to carry on with my life it just feels like I'm chained to the anchor that is him and it's the worst feeling because it's a one way street and always has been.
I thought that as soon as I was "interested" in someone else that all these thigs I feel for him would go away but they didn't. If anything they got stronger. It felt like they were a current pulling me back to under. But he doesn't care. He never did and the current was never flowing to him. It was to the idea of him.
And now he phase been dating his new girlfriend for almost 6 months. It kinda crushes me but 6 months is long enough to get used to it. We will only be friends, maybe less and it kills me on the inside but I'll survive. I keep telling myself that I don't really love him, I love the idea of him. It's the only way.
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So yeah that happened. lol hi I'm Keita, I'm 15 and from New Zealand.
Book fanatic and really into pretty cars ❤️ The 1975, Janoskians, 5SOS, American rappers, Youtubers and Viners xxxxx
🐙suck my tentacles🐙
