Out of Tune: The Original 2015 Draft

chapter 6

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl back to loneliness

-Maya Angelou

I was eerily disoriented when I woke up the next morning amidst the piles of scattered pillows and discarded blankets. I could remember with perfect clarity what had happened the night before, but none of it seemed real. For a long while, I tried to decipher what crazy dream I had had, but then I realized, as I looked around the room and noticed that I was alone in Spencer's basement, that it had all really happened.

I shook my head in disbelief. I had joined Spencer's band. Our band now, I corrected myself. It no partially belonged to me to as I was officially in it. Imagine a reality, Spencer had said last night. Imagine a reality where I was in a band. Imagine Reality, the new name of the band.

I had joined a band. I was going to be partaking in music, officially, for the first time in two years. I didn't know how I felt about that. There was a part of me, a small part of me, which was relieved. I had missed the feeling of calluses on my fingers from strumming far too many hours away on my guitar. I had missed the bond that had come with being involved with other musicians. I had missed the long nights sitting up trying to write a new melody that had yet to present itself.

I had joined a band, but it was more than that. I had entered a brotherhood.

I was terrified, to say the least.

But, I wasn't scared of performing again. In fact, I found that I was practically thrumming with anticipation, even though I knew that we were a long way off of performing live. No, I was scared of becoming close with Miles, Zeke, Charlie, and, especially, Spencer. They would soon begin to feel like family. I would tell them everything. And when something happened that tore us apart, I would break.

Just like I had when my dad died.

It wasn't that I wanted that to happen. I didn't want the band to break apart, but I had learned that anything could happen in a just a moment. I didn't think I could handle being broken again. But could I handle not going back into music? I had never felt more alive, more whole, more me, than when I was making music. It was as natural as walking or talking. It was just a part of me.

I sighed audibly. This was complicated.

Did I want to be in a band?

The answer came to me, clear and unexpected. Yes, yes I did want to be in a band. But did I want to be in a band with people I would form tight relationships with and could end up hurt?

While I was less sure about this answer, I knew that I had to stick with my decision. At least for now. I couldn't abandon the guys so soon after agreeing to help them. And besides, I thought to myself, what have you got to lose?

Simple. I had everything to lose. But I had a feeling, one deep in my gut, that if I was going to risk it all it would be worth it.

With that mentality, I got to my feet and went in search of the guys. I heard laughter and voices coming from upstairs so I followed the echoes and found them all in the kitchen joking around with Spencer's mom. She was the first to see me appear at the top of the stairs and smiled grandly at me, blue eyes, that were so like her son's, twinkling.

Spencer, surprised by his mother's sudden grin, turned to see me standing there in the doorway. "Hey," he greeted cheerfully. "Come join the fun."

I rolled my eyes but couldn't keep a smile from morphing onto my face. I walked over so that I was standing behind him and leaned against the counter.