numb
it's a feeling I know too well at this point but i dont really care, because that's all I can feel.
it's the way I cant scream for help, it's the way days blend into a seamless blob of time that's consumed my life.
it's the way I'm dying and I can't do anything about it
Everything about me is the classic "sob story" or the "sad girl" as I was labeled in high school. Although that's not how I feel, i feel like I'm trapped inside of a dark room and I can see the light shining through the creeks in the door but I cant touch or feel the light. All I can do is stare at it hoping one day I'll see the light, hoping one day I'll feel its warmth.
I gave up on my first therapist, it really bothered me how she would start naming my mental health issues out loud, sometimes I can still hear her words.
"let's see, Ms. Waters, clinical depression and anxiety, insomnia, and obsessive compulsive disorder." god I hated when she would list them out... it only made me feel worse about myself. I think the worst out of the 4 was the insomnia, I can still vividly remember the feeling of wanting to bang your head on the wall.
I have a friend, her name is Elise... I met her in a bar after her boyfriend broke up with her. I was there to get drunk and hope to feel nothing... now I cant even understand why I did that, because now I am numb and it's the worst thing on earth.
present day // Faith's POV
another sleepless night, I cant lie I'm not surprised. I roll over softly to look at the small glowing clock on my bedside.
7:07
I peel my tired limp body off of the soft mattress, I suddenly feel my legs start to shake and my vision blur. it's a regular thing at this point... haven't aten in what...2 days? and havent slept in 2 either.
I make my tired way to the kitchen looking into the small white refrigerator... do I eat? or do I pass out and hope I hit my head hard enough to stop the screaming in my head?
faith shut the fuck up and eat. you have people that love you... you cant hurt them by leaving? you know that!
I grab the small yogurt out of the fridge and fold the top of the lid to make a spoon... honestly I know it sound pathetic but right now I have energy to eat, clean, or shower.
i hear a small vibration noise coming from the couch.
i walk over to the small phone and pick it up wondering if i should actually answer knowing whoever cares about me enough to call me is probably worried sick... I havent picked up my phone in 3 days.
"hello?" I ask into the small flip phone
"Oh my god Faith! I wanted to ask you if I could come over I want to check up on you" her voice ringing through the phone
"Yeah... I could use a hug" I mumble
"you know what? I'm on my way right now" she says I can hear her fumbling with something in the backround. shes always scared I'm going to kill myself... and honestly I'm scared I will too.
Now I'm just waiting for her to arrive. alone with my thoughts is never good.
Sometimes I want her to come to my house with out asking me beforehand but I know that she could walk in on something horrifying, and I would never forgive myself for that, she has seen me on my bad days but shes never seen me on my worst days. If she knows what's good for her, she will never see them.
In the next 20 minutes I hear three light taps on my door.
As soon as I open the door she engulfs me in a wide hug. I miss this. The wave of relief washes over me, like a tsunami.
"God I'm so glad your here" She tells me
"I'm so glad you picked up the phone" she says again.
"me too" I mumble into her shoulder.
my head is now on her chest as she holds me. Her long arms swallowing up my small frame.
"Hey, hey faith can we sit I need to talk to you" I've heard those words to many times in my life.
we sit down on the small white sofa
"Can you please go with me tonight?" Her voice sounds like she needs me.
"To what?" I ask my voice probably coming off a bit harsh
"I dont want to make you uncomfortable... but Damion invited me and you to go to this thing..." she says trailing off a bit at the end.
"What thing?" I ask her
"Um a get together you know the ones you and...-" She starts but I cut her off
"I'll go if I dont have to go to one of these things again." I say to her.
"Yes! Oh... Darling what shall you wear?" She says in a playful tone.
she is happy. she wants this. its doesn't matter what I want. do it for her. this will make me happy... no it wont... but that doesn't matter... dont think now think later.
the words repeat in my mind as I'm slowly regretting my choice more and more
"I'm picking what I wear thank you very much!" I yell back.
"That's my Faith" she says pulling me into another hug on the couch.
And that leads us to where I am now... fucked.
I'm about five minutes away from taking a hand full of painkillers and passing out in the bathtub.
God why did I agree to this?
"Hey! Your... Faith right?" Damion asks me.
are you actually fucking kidding me? I've met him around 15 times and he still doesnt know me? this is pathetic, I've always gotten bad vibes from this man especially because he is 28 and Elise is 22.
But I really don't have enough confidence to confront him on this even though I really really want to.
"Erm...Yeah, yeah I'm Faith we've met a few times actually" I tell him sticking my hand in my white baggy jeans.
god this is so akward I wish I was dead right now I would so much rather be 6 feet in the ground not here.
"Oh! Your that faith... I didnt recognize you you dyed your hair?" He asks me before pointing at my dead shriveled up blood red ends.
"Yep I'm that faith." I say blankley.
"Yeah...erm I'm sorry that Elise usnt here she had to go pick some things up at the store... she asked me to come here instead" He says looking down at me.
I dont think I've ever realized how tall he is until now.
"Okay then, can you just take me to the bar now?" I ask him, i come off a lot more harsh than anticipated.
"Yeah sorry." He says
I walk out of the small red apartment door and shut it behind me.
Damion walks swiftly in front of me as I try to catch up... I'm so exhausted.
I just need alchohol in me, and maybe a good power nap.
______________________________________
AN: hi, this is my new book "numb"
