Alternare [ATEEZ FF]

A Failed Attempt

June 4, 2018

Hongjoong

Seonghwa and I met up at a local park that was situated mid-distance between our homes. We were barely acquaintances, so it was the least awkward rendezvous we could come up with.

It was an early morning of a weekday, so the park was quiet, safe for the chirping birds, and the only two benches in the small resting area were vacant. I arrived fifteen minutes earlier than the meetup time, so I knew I would be waiting for a while, yet despite knowing that I couldn't help myself to a seat.

My shirt stuck to my skin, my legs tingled when I wasn't moving them, and I had to constantly brush away my bangs that were suddenly very long and therefore constantly poking into my eyes.

A black Hyundai drove up to the entrance less than five minutes later. I checked my watch again to make sure my internal timer wasn't just going crazy because of how nervous I was, but an abrupt car horn beep startled me and I instantly scrambled towards the passenger door.

"Are you ready?" Seonghwa asked as I fastened my seat belt. It seemed like he didn't really care about my answer because he was stepping on the accelerator before I could shift into a more comfortable position.

"As ready as anyone can be under these circumstances." I found myself gripping the edge of my seat when all Seonghwa did was nod. To me, he seemed at ease as if he had everything under control. I, on the other hand, still wasn't sure if I wanted to do this.

This anxiety that spread all over my body reminded me of the time I was asked for an interview for my university application. All the way to the university I couldn't focus on anything except for the words I had prepared and the irrational but incredible desire to back out and give up.

This was the same feeling. There wasn't much, but I tracked down clues starting from the newspaper article up to the new lab name -- I even had a companion -- and that was enough to make me feel prepared.

Unfortunately, being prepared didn't make me ready in this case. I was so relieved Seonghwa called yesterday to delay our plans that I could no longer deny that I  wasn't sure if I was set out to do this.

When we stopped in front of a red light, Seonghwa asked me whether I slept well last night.

To that, I replied with a simple, "No."

I could feel Seonghwa's gaze on me, which made me feel self-conscious about my response. I hope it didn't came out too terse, but in reality, I was trying very hard to avoid any sort of conversation.

It wasn't only because it made me think of things I didn't want to face, but also because I, as a safety precaution, did something he wouldn't like and I was afraid I would give myself away if I kept talking. Knowing how to read minds was different from knowing how to hide my thoughts.

The light turned green and Seonghwa didn't push it further.

I stared at the road through the windshield, trying not to think about the minutes we had left until we inevitably arrived at our destination. The more I tried not to, the more it filled up my mind.

This was crazy. It finally crossed my mind what I was about to do and how absurd it was. I, with a person I had barely met and no one else, was going to confront a big corporation about what they did decades ago to our mothers.

As if having superpowers in this world itself wasn't crazy enough. It was only reasonable to freak out at a situation like this. Not drive with one hand and thrum fingers on the wheel like the person sitting next to me was.