Nicotine (Moriarty x Reader x Sherlock)

IV

~The next morning~

(Moriarty's POV) 

Now I'm thinking about them again, I don't know if I want to do anything anything to them. I like them, they aren't scared off me, they actually joke about what I do. Of course, I want people to be scared because then I can get them to do what I want, but y/n, y/n is different. I"m actually pretty sure they find it interesting, I don't want to hurt them, but I want to get inside of Sherlocks head. He didn't freak out much when I had John, he barely freaked out when my men had Mrs. Hudson, but I know that he was going crazy when I had y/n, what's different about them? They're affecting me and Sherlock, both negatively and positively, they get me a way into his head but also making it harder for me to use them. I hate this, I hate this feeling, I hate caring, I hate not wanting to do something that I can easily do.  After ten minutes of hating myself, Sebastian walks into my office. "Oh perfect, listen, I need you to punch me in the face. You won't get fired, just do it." "Whatever you say, sir." He proceeds to punch me in the face like I asked, it knocks some sense into me but I'm still extremely annoyed with y/n and myself for letting this happen. "Thank you. You can leave now." He leaves without another word. Mentally I'm still beating myself up over this, pain doesn't really affect me, I don't know why I asked him to punch me. Someone could shoot me and I'll just say "Ow" or "That wasn't very nice."  But I won't break down and cry, I won't go to a hospital for obvious reasons, I'm just gonna sit there. It's actually very nice considering my position in the world. But why do I want to protect y/n, I literally work to destroy the world, I literally am the king of crime, I should not be like this. Usually I'm very calm about everything, but thinking about one person is suddenly now giving me a headache. I can't stand letting Sherlock have them, not without making him suffer. They're mine, they will be, one way or another.It can't be too hard, they obviously have an interest in me, so why is it so hard to make myself manipulate them? I could try not to manipulate them... no what am I thinking? Don't let emotions take over, don't do this to yourself, don't don't DON'T!

(TRIGGER WARNING S*LF H*RM)   I grab the keys that  I've  hung under the desk, I unlock the bottom drawer and grab the knife, I take off my shirt and raise it up to my chest. I make an X over my heart again and again, it's bleeding pretty badly but I don't care, I want it to go away, I want this to stop, I want to reverse time and just not even go to the coffee shop that day. I start on other parts of my body, this is the reason why I don't let people deal  with my wounds, they'd see the marks, I don't need people finding out that the most dangerous man in the world is depressed and cuts himself. Sherlock probably already knows, but who I'm really worried about right now is y/n, if they found out what would happen? Sebastian doesn't even know, no one knows except me. I sit there, watching myself bleed, a tear rolls down my cheek for the first time in years, and then there's a knock at my door. It's unfamiliar, so I ask who it is. "It's me, y/n..." Oh crap, what do I do, what do I do? One part of me wants them to care for me, and the other half wants to keep up this persona of being heartless. "Come in..." When they see me in the corner of my office their eyes widen and their hands jump to their mouth. "Oh...Jim.. I- I didn't- I can-" "No please, stay... I need you here." They come over and hold my face in their hands, we lock eyes for a moment and I can tell they're scared. "Jim, please... tell me why you did this." I don't want to tell them, I don't want them to know I've been thinking about them all day long and beating myself up for it, I quickly think of a lie that is convincing enough. "I felt numb, I just wanted to know I was still here." "I'm going to get you cleaned up."  They leave just long enough for me to try and get up, I collapse on the ground and hit my head pretty hard. "Oh god, Jim. Why did you try to get up? You could've gotten much more hurt than you already were!" They sit me upright against the wall and start cleaning up the cuts with wet paper towel, within a few wipes, it is covered in blood. "These are deeper than I thought! You're lucky I got here when I did." "T-thank you..." "Of course, Jim. You know you can talk to me, I know you're supposed to be Mr. Dangerous and not show emotion too much, but you can't hide this forever. I mean eventually it's gonna- well I can't really say it's gonna drive you insane but you get my point. This isn't okay, you can't keep doing this to yourself." They really do care don't they, maybe I could tell them the truth, maybe. No, I can't let them know, they might take it the wrong way and never want to see me again. I've dug myself into this hole I have to get out.

"I couldn't tell before I started cleaning you up but now I can see, you have scars from before, especially across your heart. It's like you were trying to scratch your heart out. It's okay to have a way to let your emotions out, but not like this... not like this." A tear goes streaming down their face and then... they hug me. "Sorry I just-" "No it's okay you can stay here. I don't mind." As I wrap my arms around them, a wave of warmth and safety washes over me, I haven't felt this since childhood. "T-thank you, y/n. I-it's odd t-though. I- I mean I'm t-this extremely d-dangerous g-guy, yet y-you're here, h-helping m-me..." "Of course I am, the fact that you could kill me with one snap of your fingers doesn't make me care about you any less. Honestly it makes  you more worth my time, you're interesting. I like you, I like talking to you, I like listening to you, I like your accent, your confidence, I like everything about you. I know it sounds crazy but it's true. The reason I came is because you weren't answering any of the texts I sent, that's how much I care, I was worried." they're being honest with me should I... no, they are too fragile and I don't want to ruin this. Feeling human for once is nice, I like this. I tuck my head into their neck. "Thank you..." We sit here for a long time, when suddenly, y/n moves. "hm?" "My phone, I'm getting a call from the hospital. I'll be right back." "Alright." A few seconds later they come back in. "They need me at the hospital, I'm sorry but I have to go, take care of yourself, for me." They walk over and plant a kiss on my forehead. "Heh, thank you... go deal with your job. I'll take care, promise." "Thank you.. I'll check up on you later, bye Jim!" "Bye y/n." 

(This whole chapter was to make up for the lack of moriarty and reader interaction last chapter. sorry about that btw )