Pretty Broken

Chapter 4

I think when people tell you to not think about something too much they're being ignorant. It is impossible to not overthink certain things, it is human nature. Anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves. My heart was honestly freaking out. After that kiss, that beautiful, enchanting, knee-buckling kiss, I couldn't pull my mind away from the drug Dan. I wanted to know what he thought about the whole ordeal. I was scared that he thought it was just something casual. I didn't want it to be, but it could very easily be something that he didn't think about. Maybe he just wanted to try me out, but I was hoping it was something more. More importantly, I didn't want to mess up our blooming friendship. That was one thing I didn't want to compromise. Getting intimate with someone you're already close to, can go one of two ways. The two individuals could grow closer due to their already close nature or the two individuals could drift apart due to mixed signals and fear of future awkward exchanges. I was hoping the latter wouldn't happen, but it's a possibility. I hated how much I was thinking about him. I haven't texted him yet because I didn't want to come across as clingy or overbearing. I was overthinking the reason he hasn't reached out to me too. Overanalyzing the entire time we hung out. However, it has only been 4 hours since he's dropped me home from our... date? This constitutes as a date right? We kissed so like it wasn't just two friends hanging outright? Unless he makes out with all of his friends.

My phone vibrates. It isn't him. My phone vibrates again. It isn't him. Then again. Not him. Again. I felt my hopes rise and fall each time I looked at my phone. It honestly felt like I was going insane. Then I got a phone call from Ryland. He asked me to hang out and I agreed, I thought it would be a good distraction from thinking about Dan. He picks me up and we go to meet up with our friends. We were going to hang out at our friend Alina's house. I honestly wasn't too close to her but the rest of my friends were. Her house was beautiful. There were a couple of couches on the right side just as you walk in and a beautiful red rug, in the front was a walkway into her living room and kitchen area, where I followed Ryland. Her living room had a bunch of couches and a big tv, and sitting on one of the couches was Dan and my not-so-close friends Kaaya and Alina. Seeing the three of them was unsettling. He couldn't text me back but could be all cozy with his two girl friends. He saw me, he literally looked at me, and just went back to talking to Alina. I was honestly more upset by the fact that he was so close to Alina. Their legs were touching and I could see how comfortable he was with her. It was obvious that they were very close. Maybe the kiss meant nothing. Maybe he was just fooling around. I honestly felt so special because I thought that he was just close to me, and now I can see how stupid I was to believe that. After about 30 minutes of all my friends talking and me staying silent, Dan stood up, walked over to where I was sitting on the floor, and sat down next to me.

He whispered, "hey"

I replied with, "hey"

He stated, "you're awfully quiet."

I gave him a soft smile and just shrugged. He got up and went to get some water from the kitchen. I couldn't help but notice he knew which cabinet to open to find the glass and where to go to get the water. I found my eyes wandering to Alina next, and noticed how she looked kind of lost without him. She looked like she was waiting for him to go back to her, and that is when I came to realize that she really cared for him. I couldn't tell if it was in a friendly way or something more, but she seriously cared for him. Her feelings towards him radiated off of her clearly and it was obvious that he had a significant place in her heart, and that shook me to the core.

At that moment, I also realized I really wanted him. I wanted him to be mine in a way that is so difficult to explain let alone to feel. I want you to visualize driving, and you're in this car driving when it's pouring rain. The rain is pounding on the windshield at a rapid, but steady pace. Then you drive under a long bridge. Everything goes silent to the point where it's almost peaceful. But then you're out from under the bridge, and everything hits a little harder, a little louder than before. He's my bridge. I think about how fucking chaotic my life is, how there is no consistency, how I constantly feel so alone. I honestly forgot what happiness felt like, I got used to being constantly not happy that it became my norm. Being happy feels like a high and the source of that bliss is him. I want him so bad, and that is when I knew that if me taking a shot with being something more with Dan risked messing up our friendship, so be it, I don't see him as a friend in the first place. I never did and I never will because I've wanted him since I saw him. I haven't felt a connection like this with anyone other than him and I am ready to risk it all.

I don't know why I had to see Alina's obvious feeling towards him to come to that realization, but I guess it's human nature right? To be territorial of what you want and stuff, at least that is what I'm going to tell myself to not seem so jealous and insane. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to respond to the feelings I uncovered.

After realizing the true nature of my feelings I wanted nothing more than to go home. I just wanted to be alone for a little so I could rebuild some of my walls, so if things didn't work out between Dan and me, I wouldn't break. I really didn't want a boy to be the reason for my demise, but I could already feel myself unraveling.

I guess I didn't realize I had been lost in my own thoughts for so long because Ryland was snapping his fingers in front of my face, and I rejoined my friends. I look at them and give them a small smile and quickly apologize for spacing out.

Alina asks me, "How are you liking college?" and honestly I can feel my inner bitch coming out. I don't want it to. I'm not that girl, or at least I don't want to be.

"oh, um, it's fine. I'm having fun." I respond. She gives me a soft smile, and then we all discuss how we like school, and how we are happy that winter break is approaching, and then we all got ready to head home.

We all started to clean up our messes, and I left with Ryland, and we started heading home. I was pretty silent on our ride home. I couldn't help but think about how when we were with a big group of people Dan was silent and guarded, but today he was looked so free with Alina. He wasn't hiding away and it made me feel less special. I didn't like that he seemed so comfortable with her. I think that bugs me more than the fact that we kissed and I didn't know where we stood. My feelings for him are running so deep that I feel like I'm reading too far into things, but I can't help it. I didn't like that he was close to her. I didn't like it all.

We arrived at my place, and Ryland parked the car. He turned to me and asked, "so how do you like Dan."

I was startled. Was it that obvious I had feelings for him? I just realized that I genuinely liked him. I looked at him wide-eyed and asked him what he meant.

He chuckled and explained, "You've been hanging out with him a lot. Alone. We used to hang out all the time alone."

That was when I realized that Ryland kind of felt threatened. He was always my "go-to" friend. When it came to eating food or running errands or just hanging out when I was bored. I would always ask him to accompany me, and now I ask Dan. Not him. I feel kind of guilty for distancing myself from him. I didn't mean to, but it just naturally happened due to my infatuation towards Dan.

I chuckled slightly and awkwardly and replied, "We're just friends! And he's always free so we just hang out."

He looked at me with narrowed eyes, "Dude, I'm free too. Make some time for me." I look at him for a second, silently, not knowing what to say. Which I guess he found odd, because he then asks, "unless there's something else going on."

I don't want Ryland to know. I don't want anyone to know at this point, because I'm unsure if there is even anything to tell. I don't want to say there is something going on when there isn't, so I tell him not to worry about anything and that we'll hang out tomorrow. I then leave his car and head inside.

I didn't hang out with Ryland today. I know I told him I would, but I don't think either of us would have a good time because I know I would've been distant, and regardless, he didn't ask me to hang out today either. I've come to a realization. I've spent all morning thinking about Dan. All morning, and I've come to realize something. I'm not in love with Dan, but I am falling in love with him. I will eventually love him, and I'm scared. Not essentially because I feel myself falling in love, in itself, love is not scary but because I know he could shatter me. I am terrified. He is capable of tearing and breaking me into a million pieces like I'm glass. And what terrifies me, is that I would let him. I will let him do whatever he wants with me. If in the end, he decides to leave, he can, I just need him right now. I desperately need to give him every fiber of my being, I want him to have all of me.

And because I now know this, I know I want him and need him, I decided that when I see him today, I will ask him what is going on between us. If there is anything, and if there is, what it means. At this point, if he just sees us as friends, it'll suck, but I need to be on the same page.