Pretty Broken

Chapter 5

"What are we?" I asked, looking at him. The second those words came out of my mouth he quickly avoided eye contact. It was like he needed to focus on anything and everything besides me. As I noticed his wandering eyes, my heart started to race with anticipation. I needed to know what he was thinking, what he was feeling. The silencing was deafening. I regretted every action I've taken in the past 2 hours. I regretted texting him and asking him to hang out. I regretted going to the park with him. I regretted asking him the question which apparently made him lose his ability to talk. But now I couldn't do anything but wait for a response. I sat there looking at him looking at everything but me. I feel him shaking his leg from across me. I could see how unsettled he was with my question. But I don't think he was as unsettled as I was when he responded.

"What do you mean? We aren't anything." I was shocked hearing those words coming out of his mouth. We aren't anything? Anything? And now I was speechless. My heart dropped to the absolute bottom of my stomach, and I couldn't do anything but stare at him. I don't know how long I did. It felt like hours. It made no sense... Did I kiss someone else? How could we be nothing? At the very least we are friends and I would've been hurt if he had said that we were just friends, but we aren't nothing. How could he not think we had a relationship at all? If he honestly considered me no one. A stranger. Then he must make everyone feel the way he makes me feel.

"I thought you knew that I didn't get into anything serious with anyone." My eyes dart towards the brown bench we were sitting on. I literally wouldn't mind if lightning struck me right now. Dying doesn't seem like that bad of an idea.

He calls my name softly, "Aaliyah?"

I look at him and respond softly, "Uh well I didn't know that."

"It's all my fault. I should've made it more clear. I didn't mean to give you the wrong idea." When he said that he looked directly at me. The first time this entire conversation and his eyes looked genuinely apologetic. They looked sad, broken, and apologetic. And I wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault and that it was okay, but I just couldn't. Because I know him. I know he knew what he was doing. He chose to hang out with me. He chose to kiss me. He chose to take me to that fucking garage. The only thing I could say at that point without telling him that it was all okay was, "Well glad we cleared that up."

I clapped my hands and forced myself to laugh a little to ease the tension. He looked at me and gave me a soft smile. The type of smile that doesn't really reach your eyes. The type of smile that is kind of sad. He asked if he could take me home. I could feel myself about to break down. I was so ready to break down and I knew I couldn't be alone in a car with him.

"No, don't worry about it. I'm meeting up with a couple of friends here anyways in like 15-20 minutes. Thanks though."

He nodded at me and turned and left.

I wasn't really meeting up with anyone, I just need to be alone right now. I didn't want to be around him. I wanted to curl up in a ball and just disappear. Before this conversation, I was sure I just wanted to know what was going on, but the aching feeling in my chest means otherwise. I feel embarrassed and shattered. Deep down, deep deep down, I knew that it wasn't my fault that he didn't want me, but right now every little thing I was insecure about resurfaced. I knew that I wasn't the prettiest girl. I knew that sometimes I was boring. I now know that my expectations were too high. I know that Dan had penetrated the walls guarding my heart and I was now in a mess. My castle had fallen. My heart was left bare and broken.

I didn't realize I was crying. I haven't cried in awhile. I wasn't sobbing. I was silently crying. I couldn't control my eyes. It's like they had a mind of their own. I couldn't do anything but sit there silently. I didn't realize that a boy could have so much control over me. I didn't realize that my heart could feel so neglected and alone. I hated that he had such a strong pull on my heartstrings, on my feelings.

I feel overwhelmingly weak. Like if someone said anything to me at this moment I would physically disintegrate into a million pieces. And I hate this feeling. I absolutely despise feeling weak, because I am not weak. I felt this way when my dad died. The feeling was significantly more overbearing and destructive but essentially the essence was the same.

I know that his world burned too bright, and I think that is what made me need him. Because of my darkness. I just didn't know the light could burn me.

But it happened. I am officially burned. And I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of that scar on my heart. I don't think that I'll truly be able to heal because even though I am sitting here broken and burned I crave him.

At this moment there is only one thing I want in the world. If I could wish for one thing, it wouldn't be to see my dead father. It wouldn't be for world peace. It wouldn't be for financial wealth. I would wish for him to come back. I would wish for Dan to come back and comfort me because even though I am in all this pain I still want him. I still need him. It's like I am addicted to him. To looking at him. To hearing him. To everything Dan.

I wish I knew what he was thinking. Does he feel relieved that he won't have to hang out with me? Does he regret what he did? Does he simply not care? I mean he did say I was nothing. That our relationship meant nothing. So he most likely doesn't care. But I can't help wondering the what if's. It's like all common sense leaves my brain when it comes to him because a logical person would be able to see that he doesn't care about our relationship, that I do in fact mean nothing to him, that I was just someone he could waste time with. That the kiss we shared wasn't important to him. That he didn't feel anything when we were together. A logical person would understand that everything I felt was all in my head.

However, at this moment I think I can say I wasn't logical. I wasn't capable of thinking properly. My thoughts kept going back to trying to figure out what he was thinking. I knew that if I kept trying to figure out what he felt, logic would eventually triumph and I would understand and comprehend that he didn't want me. So I let my mind wander wherever it wanted until it came to whatever conclusion. I just sat there tears streaming in silence for who knows how long.

No one came. Dan didn't come back.

I was there alone until the end.