Pretty Broken

Chapter 6

I took an uber home. It was a short and silent ride. I felt numb. My sadness was overwhelming. My mind couldn't think anymore. I was done with thinking all it did was hurt me, and that is saying something because have many many thoughts. More than an average person at the very least.

The second I got home I went straight to my room and laid in bed. I was tired and drained but couldn't manage to fall asleep so I just laid there. There was nothing else to do. I knew that if I tried watching reading a book or watching a movie it would be useless because I was not going to be able to focus. I just needed silence. I needed time to recover, to mend my torn walls. I was so disappointed in myself and felt absolutely pathetic. It is insane that a boy managed to steal my heart in a week. It must be some sort of record. I hate that I have no control over myself. I keep thinking about how this is a good thing. A lesson. It shows me that allowing myself to become invested in new people, new strangers, especially attractive ones that I am instantly infatuated with will lead to nothing other than pain. I should learn from this experience. I won't allow myself to succumb to superficial things like attraction.

But deep down I know it was more than attraction. I know that I was able to be myself around Dan, and that is what makes this whole experience more painful.

I was now confident in my future actions. I won't entertain him any longer. I am not going to let him invade my mind. I will get over it. I am going to do everything in my power to avoid him. I'll find excuses for church and hang out with my friends one on one. I won't bump into him until I am 100% over it. Until I know he can't hurt me. I felt a little more at ease because I had a game plan to avoid future pain. And then my phone rang.

Dan.

It was Dan.

It was fucking Dan.

My plan dissolved the second I looked at his name. I literally couldn't think. My mind went blank, and then my mind exploded. I was thinking of everything and thinking of nothing. I didn't know what to do. And then my phone went silent. My heart calmed down for one second and then my phone started ringing again. I was stuck again. I don't know what he would need to talk about. What else is there left to say? I was scared.

I pick up his call and am silent. I don't know what to say. It feels like I am breathing way too hard. I don't know what to do.

"Aaliyah..."

I hold my breath. I still don't know what to do. Should I respond? Does he expect me to respond? I stay silent. At least if I am silent I couldn't make the situation any more awkward. Right? Or does this constitute as awkward?

"I am don't know what to do." He whispers.

I stay silent. Because honestly, I don't know what he's talking about. Do about what? Is he referring to before or something he's doing now? But now he's silent so I assume he's waiting for me to actually say something.

"Uh, what do you mean?"

"I can't stop thinking about our conversation," He slurs his words, "How could you corner me like that."

At this point, I am shocked. First, I didn't corner him. I asked him a simple question. There were so many ways he could've responded, I didn't know he could respond in such a painful way. He could've said 'I don't know' or 'I don't want to talk about it' if it was so hard for him to answer. Secondly, it was quite obvious at this point he was drunk.

A little angry I respond, "I didn't corner you. I asked you a simple question."

He responds quickly, "It was a loaded question. I didn't know what to say. You ruined everything."

I take in a sharp breath. I. RUINED. EVERYTHING?! Is he crazy?

I reply softly, "Apparently there was nothing to ruin."

He chuckles softly. I can literally imagine him shaking his head and running his hand over his face. "We were doing so well. I genuinely liked you. Spending time with you."

I felt a little more at ease knowing that the feelings weren't one-sided that I wasn't imagining the connection between. That there was something there.

He continues, "I can't do this. I can't ruin you."

I couldn't help raise my voice, "You're not going to ruin me."

To which he groans, "Stop screaming."

He continues on to say, "I will ruin you. You'll see. I have too many issues, Aaliyah. I am fucked in the head. I don't know how to deal with anything. I can't afford to have feelings for you."

When he said that my heart sunk. I felt for him. He was broken inside and he was scared. He couldn't handle his feelings. And I realized that this is why I wanted to get to know him so badly. Because he was broken like me. I wanted to help him so that maybe I could fix myself. I wanted to feel better about my life and the only way I felt better was by seeing Dan happy. I wanted to make him happy because Dan being happy made me happy.

"Daniel. You crazy boy. You won't ruin me. Let's hang out tomorrow and we will see who is more 'fucked in the head' ok-"

He cuts me off exclaiming, "Oh Aaliyah I'll win. I know I'll win."

I scoff, "If you remember this conversation tomorrow, text me when you wake up. We will see who wins."

He chuckles, "Okay Aaliyah okay. Goodnight."

We hang up. I stare at my ceiling and am feeling a whirlwind of emotions. I am relieved that Dan is going to stay in my life and because I won't have to go through with my game plan. I am a little worried because I might have to discuss my dead father with him if he brings up his demons. I am happy because he sort of confessed his feelings for me. And deep down I am scared because 30 minutes ago I was so down. I was in so much pain because I had thought that whatever relationship I had with Dan was gone. I still have a nagging feeling of being pathetic because I allowed myself to be sucked into him. It feels like I am allowing myself to let him break my heart again.

I know he might not ruin me. I know that maybe I'll get everything I ever wanted which when I think about literally allows me to float on a cloud of bliss, of happiness, of everything good in the world. However, on the flip side, he might in fact ruin me. He might rip out my entire being and steal everything from me. He could leave me as an empty shell of nothing.

I don't know what would be worse. Running away and never letting myself experience this feeling of pleasure or experiencing this pleasure and having it taken away from me.

Although I am laying here contemplating the future actions I already know what I will choose. Having these thoughts will literally have no outcome on my decision. There isn't even an option. All options were stripped from me the second I came to knew he had feelings for me.