Imperfect

Looking Up

"See and this is the problem! The minute I try to get him to open up he shuts down." I was so exasperated with everything. We had been here half an hour and made no progress. It hadn't helped that I didn't tell Fin about the appointment until we arrived. He thought we were going shopping.

"Well when someone lies and says they're taking you to the store, and surprises you with therapy instead, it's kind of hard to want to trust that person. Ya know?" His eyes narrowed and he glared at me. Rhonda sat back in her chair. She looked bemused by Fin and I.

"Ok so what I'm hearing is, Finley you don't trust Claire enough to open up to her, and Claire, you don't want to hand over control to Finley because you don't trust him. So now, what I'm gonna need you both to do is communicate. Let's start with you Claire. Why don't you want Finley to have control?" She asked. Her gaze settled on me and I suddenly felt very hot. The hair on the back of my neck stood up and it sent a shiver crawling up and down my spine like a centipede.

"I don't know." I replied.

"You do Claire. This is a space to share things in. Come on." She encouraged me.

"I guess it's because..." I hesitated, "It's because the last time I tried to give him control was when we went to a party. He disappeared and I was so anxious all night and then those two idiots told me I didn't belong in Finley's life. That was when I found out he was using and since then I've tried to control everything because I was desperate to belong in his life. Maybe I have an inferiority complex. I don't know." I glanced at Fin. He was staring down at his hands, but I knew he was listening.

"Good. But wrong. You don't have an inferiority complex at all. It's not because you feel inferior it's because you have high stakes in the situation. It's obvious Finley means a lot to you, and I think you're so desperate to prove it, you go way above and beyond what is expected of you, in a normal healthy relationship." She explained. What she said made a lot of sense. I had idolised Finley for years before we got together and when we had finally got together I was desperate not to lose him. Which is exactly how I had lost myself.

"Ok Finley, now why don't you trust Claire?" She asked. Finley looked up and brushed the hair from his eyes.

"Because she left me. I needed her and she left me." He said quietly. I felt my stomach lurch. I hated when he said that. It made me feel like a terrible person, despite everything I had tried to do to make ammends.

"Now, you see that's an unrealistic amount of pressure to put on one person's shoulders Finley. You need to understand that you, and only you, are in charge of the actions you take. Expecting someone else to make decisions for you is unhealthy and it can ruin relationships and lives. You're a smart man I know you know that, so what's the real reason?" Rhonda asked. Finley looked up and searched Rhonda's face for a clue. He was clearly uncomfortable. After a minute or so of silence he caved.

"Because everyone I have placed my trust in has broken it. Everything was going fine between Claire and I. I was expecting her to walk out or change or... anything. Just something that would give me a reason not to trust her, and in the process I gave her tons of reasons not to trust me and then she left." I was shocked at Finley's profound answer. "I'm more angry at myself than her, but I'm scared to let her back in. If I do, I will just hurt her again." This was astounding. I had never heard Finley talk like this before. I reached out a hand and placed it lightly on his slouched shoulder.

"This is progress. Fantastic. So now that's out in the open, I want you both to go away and discuss what you want from each other. Write it down somewhere and bring it back next week. I also want to encourage you both to be totally honest about how you feel about the other. I think you'll be surprised about the unresolved feelings that are clearly present here." She instructed. I was so glad we had come. It felt like Fin and I had a much greater understanding of each other already.