Chapter 2

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It’s 11:11 pm. The young girl squeezes her eyes shut and wishes. Wishes for the one thing she wants most in the world. To be thin.

When I look at my legs, I see fat.                                                                                

When they look at my legs, they see athlete.                                                                                              When I look at my stomach, I see fat.                   

When they look at my stomach, they see a flat surface.                                                                                                                              

When I look at my arms, I see fat.                                                                                                                

When they look at my arms, they see pencils.

They lie.

I just want to hear that I am thin. But I don’t believe it.

Whale.

There was a time before all of this. Before the hospitals, the tears, and the secret exercising. March was only six months ago, yet it feels like forever.

I never had the intention of becoming Anorexic. I don’t think anyone does. According to my long line of therapists who have yet to budge me, it was just a matter of time before I developed an eating disorder. The body image problems were already there.

I used to be happy. I used to smile for no reason. I used to love life. When my mom asks me where that Alex went, I shrug. But as soon as she turns away, I whisper the truth, “she died.”

No longer are the days were I would eat because I was hungry. I remember the size three pants I used to wear and it makes me want to barf. Size three used to seem small. Now even size zero is too big.

When I go home, none of my clothes are going to fit. At school, people are going to whisper about me when I walk by. The braver ones will come up to me and tell me I’ve gained a lot of weight. Some will just tell their friends that they heard I had anorexia.

Who am I kidding? Nobody misses me; No one cares I’m gone. Only my closest friend is interested. The rest of them forgot I even existed. But it didn’t stop the rumors from floating around.

Today has sucked. I woke up feeling thin. Thinking that I felt good made me feel like shit. So, I looked at my refection on the TV screen until I found a million things I hate and want to change. I still feel like shit. And now like a cow too. There must be something wrong with my eyes, to ever think I was not fat.

I hit an all time personal best with jumping jacks – 600 without stopping. My record at home was 300. Anything after that, I would have to crawl into the house because the cramps were so bad. But I also have more <energy> calories to burn now.

The sensation of having to pee creeps through my body slowly – a small creek running through me. I press my call button for the nurses. A locked door is another thing to add to the long list of ‘cons’ about hospitals.

I sit on the edge of my bed, patiently waiting. A burly man in a black shirt walks by. I can see the nurses outside my room.

Talking.

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