Jake Peralta - A Sad B99 Story

chapter 9

Yall need to ✨prepare✨ she's another teary one. Also thanks soo much for 2k views, honesty insane to me. Love you all.

Jake's pov

"Sit down detectives." Holt said gesturing to the seats in front of him. "What is going on, Peralta?" I was struggling to find my voice. "I uh... I've um..."

"Jake's been going through a spot of depression. Anxiety's been high. We've been working on bring his mental health back up to where it was." What did he mean 'was'? I've never been happy. Not since my dad started beating me, and that was like when I was 10 and I'm 36 now.

"What does that entail?" Holt being Holt, confused by all emotion and being a robot. Charles looked at me, silently asking if I wanted him to speak so I nodded. "Lets just get it all out there, huh? Jake self harms, has panic attacks, has suicidal thoughts and behaviours and I'm pretty sure he has an eating disorder. His dad was abusive and stabbed him one time. I'm requesting that Jake can have time off work whenever he needs it and that he can have smaller cases when he can't deal with big ones." I could have sworn I saw empathy and sadness in the Captain's eyes. "That is fine by me. Peralta, you can talk to me anytime you need, along with the team. I am not going to ask you to show me the bodily harm you have done to yourself as I am sure that Boyle has already seen, it would be unwise to make you go through that again. I know you see me as a father figure and I will be happy to fill that roll if it means you are happy and healthy. Would you like me to inform the team?" No, too many people know already. I just shook my head. "Alright. Do you want to go home or stay here at work. If you do want to stay here I wont make you do any work, you have probably had a hard day as it is. But the choice is yours." I would love to stay here with the team but there are waaaayyyyy too many people here and I've peopled enough already. "Can we go home? Charles promised me that we could watch Die Hard if we came and spoke to you." He just nodded.

"That is fine. You can call me anytime, Jake. It does not matter if it is in the middle of the night. If you feel as though you cannot speak to Boyle for any reason, my door is metaphorically open, as it is often closed to provide warmth and limit distractions while I am working. However you may open it." I let put a breathe of relief, he's not going to fire me. "See, Jakey, no ones firing you. It's all goodz bro!" And just in Boyle style he pulled me into a hug that lasted way too long for it to be comfortable.

"Charles, cant breathe here buddy." He pulled away and giggled an apology. "Let's go home bud." And with that we left and went home.

I felt good, well not good but better. Like, I know that Amy hates me and so does the rest of the team but at least I have Holt and Charles of my side. I still wanna die and I'm still having small urges to cut but I can sense that it's getting better.

~~~~~

It's mid night, when my thoughts are so loud compared to the devastating silence of the night.

You are NEVER going to get better! You don't deserve to be happy. You deserve pain. Go and cut yourself. Charles has a stash of razors that he tried to hide, I bet if you look hard enough you'll find them so you can use the blades.

But why? I've been getting so much better.

Don't question me. You need to cut and make Daddy proud, kill yourself just like he wanted!

Ok.

I walked to Charles's bathroom, my eyes still squinting from the sudden exposure to light. It takes a few minutes of slowly moving things, ya know, to not wake up Charles. I'd be dead if he found out so I gotta be quiet. "Bingpot." I whispered as I found a spare pack of razor blades.

I sat my fat ass on the floor and carefully opened the package of blades and put one to my arm. But suddenly I get a thigh that becomes too real. Imma make daddy proud. I'm going to finally kill myself.

The blade pierces the shallow skin on my scared arm. Already feeling closer to the void of death, I take a breath and slide the blade down my wrist with pressure. Blood poured out of my veins like never before, flowing onto the floor and pooling around my weakening body. Peace and contentment washed over my body as death inched closer.

"Jake! What are you doing in there? Open up!" Charles yelled through the door. "M-jst-pee-en. B-out-nah-sec." (I'm just peeing. I'll be out in a sec) I slured through my words making them sound just a bit unbelievable. "No, jake I dont really believe you. I'm coming in."

Charles POV

I opened the door as quickly as possible. Jake is lying there on the floor with blood everywhere. "Jake!" I ran to get some towels and put pressure on his wrist with one hand and called 911 with the other.

"Hello, 911. What's your emergency?" The operation lady said. "Uh my best friend, he cut himself on his wrist. Its bleeding alot and I think hes about to pass out!" The towel is almost completely red with his blood now. "Ok, you need to keep them awake. Keep them talking. What's their name?" She asked. "Jake Peralta," I replied before turning to jake. "Hey, jakey. Can you open your eyes for me?" His eyes opened and they sleepily looked at me.

"Sir, can I ask if Jake cut himself on purpose?" The lady asked me. "Y-yeah. He's uh, depressed. Jake, stay awake for me bud." Jake's eyes fluttered open and he mumbled a sorry. "Hey, theres no need to be sorry. Did you do this because you wanted to, uh, die?" I really didnt want this to be true, like really really didnt want him to have tried again.

Jake nodded weakly. "Its ok. Dont worry, we're going to get you better, okay. Um Ma'am are you still there?" I ask in desperation. "Yes sir, I am still here. Can you tell me where you are?"

I'll tell you were I friggen was. I wasn't with Jake! I was in bed, asleep and completely unaware of how bad Jake was feeling. I wasn't with him, leaving him to fight this on his own.
"194 Alexander road."
"Ok sir, don't worry. An ambulance is on it's way. Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?" The lady asked nicely, as if this wasnt a scary situation at all.
"No it's okay." I needed to give my full attention to Jake. The lady hung up for me so I didnt have to.

"Dont worry Jakey, the ambulance is on it's way. Just stay awake for me. You're okay. Can you tell me 5 things you can see?" If I got him to concentrate on something he'd stay awake and give him a better chance of survival. "B-bath. Y-yo-you. Uh. Blood, th-theres so-so mu-uch blood-d." Damn he's panicking, I thought. "Dont look at that, okay? Look at me." He sleepily turned his head to look at me though glazed eyes. "You're fine. Just hold on a little longer and you should be good as new."

I heard the paramedics break down the door. It all happened so fast. Jake being taken away from my arms and put into an ambulance. The paramedics told me that they needed to have as much space as they could get in the ambulance so I would need to make my own way to the hospital so I took this time to call Holt.

"Hello Boyle, how can I help?" The older man said from the other end of the line. "Its Jake. He uh, he tried to kill himself. He's in an ambulance on the way to a hospital but he lost alot of blood. I dont know how to handle this." I said in panic. "Okay, make your way to the hospital, I will do the same. Do you think I should bring Kevin? I know that Jake likes him but I only want to do what is best for his well being." Wow, I didn't think that Holt had it in him to care this much. "Don't bring him just yet, we can ask Jake if he'd like him to come and see him if he wants. I need to call Amy now." Once I got a 'good bye' in return I called Amy.

"Hey Charles, hows Jake?" She sounded so calm and happy and was just about to ruin that. "Dont freak out but your Husband is in an ambulance."

"What?!?!?!?!" Yeah I could have phrased that better. "He tried to kill himself." I could hear her sobbing down the phone. "Why? He didn't say anything about feeling that way." Did she really not know any of the things going on? "I'll explain at the hospital just get there."

Jumped into my car and sped off to the hospital worrying sick for my best friend.