Heavy Is The Cost

Panic

Sarah was awoken in the night by a lightning strike outside the window, which illuminated her bedroom for an instant, causing the house to shake with a thunderous sound. She closed her eyes, but sleep would not return to her. Her mind began to wander as the persistent song of heavy rain outside filled her bedroom. She thought about the day she'd had. Somehow, it had been fun. She thought heavily about Horus and Mike, wondering how they could love each other so easily, so effortlessly. She wondered about their families' and home lives. Do they eat dinner with their families every night? Does Jeremy usually eat dinner with his dad? Does he eat at home at all? She wondered, then, about friendship, about if she and them were truly friends now, and if that was what she wanted.

Unnervingly, Sarah reminded herself that she had claimed friendship before. And now, I see him in my nightmares. We saw how poorly that played out; I shouldn't get too comfortable. She saw, then, eerie similarities between now and then. She saw Eric in Horus and Mike and Jeremy. She thought of the times she'd laughed with Eric, the times she'd rough-housed with him, the times they had shared. There was no shortage of bonding memories with him. The memories nearly mirrored the ones she'd made today. Playful banter, small talk... effortless smiles. It was enjoyable, but for Sarah, it was also terrifying. She began to swell with unease, with uncertainty, with pure, sickening fear.

What if they betray me? What if they turn against me? What if they do what Eric did? What if they only hang around me because I'm a girl? Before she knew it, the thundering storm outside had been drained out by her thoughts, by her heavy breathing and clammy palms and sharp chest pains.

Panic attack.

• • •

The rest of Fall Break passed quickly. Sarah was not excited. The intercom at school reminded the students of the assembly that would take place that week. Probably on Friday, the last day of the school week. Curse, she scolded herself silently, I forgot to ask my mom to boy more Uncrustables. That thought made her angry. Well actually, she thought again, it just makes me sad. Wait. She paused for a moment, sitting down at a cafeteria table, waiting for the first school bell to ring. I thought 'curse', didn't I? I'm just turning into Horus, aren't I? She chuckled, oh, woe is me.

The bell eventually rang. Strange, she thought as she stood. Jeremy usually sits by me. But we have our first hour together- maybe he's just running late? It didn't take long for her to reach her class. She sat down in her usual seat, dreading the day before her, and Jeremy walked in mere moments later. He caught her gaze, then, frantically looked down at his feet. Sarah stared him up and down, confused, concerned, and her eyes locked on marks that littered his arm- dark, yellowish bruises. He sat down beside her, avoiding her eyes and saying nothing. He pulled a jacket from his bag and put it on, although it was not particularly cold in the classroom.

"What happened?" Sarah asked, voice unsteady. Silence. She thought long and hard about how he always did this, about how he would refuse to talk to her; she knew, she understood, and yet, Sarah was angry. Incredibly, undeniably angry. "The one day you decide to shut up," she murmured.

He slowly and cautiously looked up at her, "Do you mean, you like it better when I talk?"

"I don't like it by any means," she said, "But it's better than whatever you're doing right now." He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment as Sarah studied him curiously.

He trembled as he spoke, "My- my dad doesn't want me talking to you." Shock. A simple moment of ease, of calm, and then, all at once, the familiar fury struck her.

Sarah growled, "What? He said that?" Slowly, Jeremy nodded. "He doesn't get to dictate who you talk to," she said.

"But if I don't obey him-"