Different

What Hurts The Most- Rascal Flatts

Indiana

Christina: Check the confessions page

Indiana: which one

Christina: The one about brian and jon and mira

Indiana: Oh you only did that cuz of brian 

Christina: Maybe

Indiana: whatever leave me alone

I turned off my phone. I was in my mother's car after dance practice, looking outside. The trees were big and scary against the darkness of the night. Since it was winter, it was getting darker faster. I liked the winter, the coziness of being inside, the coldness of outside, seeing your breath in front of your face. It made me happy.

I check my phone again, wanting to see the post about Brian. Clicking on the purple camera icon, I dreaded going on the page. I didn't want any expectations that I had to be shattered and I stop liking him. I typed in the search bar: "evergreen.confessions" and the page showed up instantly. Pressing on the first result, the post was the first one there. 

I could already tell that the person who wrote this was bordering illiterate. From the three of them, Johnathan was the dumbest one (in an objective way) and he was the only one who would go on an insta page and talk about his personal business. It is just so... petty. There was no reason for him to say that, especially since we all didn't need to know how their friendship was going. 

Indiana: there was no reason for you to send that to me, like idc

Christina: *shrug*

As soon as I sent that message, my mom pulled into the driveway into our house. I jumped out of the car, taking my dance bag with me. Sometimes I forget this place belongs to my family. A couple of years ago I would have hated anyone who lived in this neighborhood. In the cold, looking for my keys, I look around. The picturesque community was only a dream to accomplish within our family. After you pine for something for such a long time, it seems like the tunnel goes on forever. But we got to the end, and fell out of it. The comfort of the dark is no longer here. I run up the stairs to go to my room. I am just so tired, but I am going to take a shower to relax. I have homework to do, so I can't just go to sleep. 

The water runs, gradually changing from cold to hot. I put on my shower cap because I am not trying to get my hair wet today. I put my hair in a high puff, and take off my clothes. 

This is my thinking time. 

I have noticed Christina and I have a bizarre friendship. In middle school, she was friends with mean people who hated on everyone. But they were the worst to me. They made jokes and "roasted" me all the time. No one really knew the extent of the bullying, which I call it, because I never wanted anyone to know what they said. They were master manipulators, which naturally occurred in middle school, and they could clearly spin the incident in their favor. Either way, I wanted to forget that even happened in the first place. 

I always liked the name Christina, because it reminded me of Christina from Grey's Anatomy. We bonded over our love of that show, and How to get away with Murder. Highly recommended. This Christina is different, though. She is a people-pleaser, which I don't actually like, because a lot of the kids in our grade walk over her. That is how she became friends with them in the first place. 

Christina never actually said anything mean about me, but she was clearly complicit. I forgave her when she realized what weird type of cult it was. She broke ties with them and became my friend. Now and then we talk about the black hole of junior high. 

I tell her everything about me. Especially about Brian. I have had a little crush on him throughout the years. He is so quiet and he only ever talks to his 2 friends, Mira and Jonathan. But I mean, now, he doesn't have those friends either. That was so shitty the way they dumped him like that, where everyone could see it. I would probably have handled it worse than he did.

That was so weird to me. Ever since I got to Evergreen, they were all thick as thieves. I thought that Jonathan was crush-worthy when I was new. He had green eyes, and I thought they were so cute. But his personality is shit, so I got over it very quickly. Brian on the other hand, was quiet, and the opposite of Jon. He talked a lot to them, but to everyone else, he was in the background. But not to me. I would always look for him at assembly's, or in the beginning of the year to see if he was in any of my classes. He was, because we were both smart. Well, not so much now on my part.

I never actually talked to him. I wanted to, but he looked so closed in. Like he didn't even want to talk to me. I tried being friends with Mira and Jon so he could know that I wasn't mean. But he always looked uncomfortable, so I just left him alone. 

Maybe he will want some new friends?

Probably not.

I contemplate my life, and why everything feels like blah. If I had a boyfriend, would I be happier? Most of the time I daydream about having that special person that you think about all the time. I imagine them like my parents and then feel disgusted. I never actually want to have a relationship because it makes me feel cringy. I am much more comfortable pining over someone than actually having to deal with the reservations and responsibilities of keeping someone happy. 

I rinse off all of the soap off my body, and cut the water off. I get my fluffy towel and get out the bathroom. I am dreading my homework because I'm lethargic at this point. 

But I get started anyway, all the while having a dark cloud hang over my head.