Sunlight Under the Stars

Eight: Unease

(A/N (that's a thing people do right): Full disclosure, I wrote the last half of this at like 11:30 at night whilst listening to emo music and trying not to pass out. Apologies for any typos/general low quality.)

I've got a date with Kaede tonight, and I don't think I can do it.

She's cute and sweet and kind – she's kind of the perfect girl – but things are moving way too fast. I don't think I love her. I had hoped something would change, that my true feelings would come to the surface and I would realize, oh, I was just under a lot of stress at the time and couldn't realize that I actually did love her, but nothing like that has happened. If anything, I feel like I've been inching away from her. Maybe this whole dating thing is just making me kind of nervous, but I don't feel like that's it Yeah, there's no way that's it. I was actually excited about our first date. We saw a movie together, we shared a tub of popcorn (which I'd never actually done before, but it was just as cute if a bit more disgusting than the cliché would indicate), and afterwards we had our first kiss.

I think that's where I started getting nervous.

It's a little embarrassing to admit, but Kaede is my first girlfriend. I'd never even kissed anyone before, and I'm almost certain it showed in my technique. Then again, Kaede wasn't too confident either. But when she kissed me...

I could feel the sheer joy in her heart. I could tell that being with me right now made her happier than anything else in the world. She... she loved me. We had only been dating for a few days, but she loved me.

When we broke away after what felt like an eternity, I started hyperventilating.

Here's the thing: I didn't love her. Still don't. I feel terrible about it, I really wish there were something I could do about it, but I just don't feel the same way about her that she clearly feels about me. But there's no way I could ever admit that. So I turned to my natural reaction in stressful situations: sheer panic.

She managed to get me calmed down after a few minutes, asked me if I was all right. I nodded, because how could I tell her the truth? Hey, Kaede, it's been fun, and I know I'm the one who said I wanted to date you in the first place, but I just don't want to anymore. I couldn't just break her heart like that. So I forced a smile and nodded, even though something inside me was screaming.

It wasn't like there was someone else I did love, either. I'd worked through my feelings about Rantaro, so falling in love with a guy wouldn't be an issue, and most of the girls in my homeroom class were either completely insane or just not my type. Kaede, on the other hand, was everything you could possibly want in a girlfriend. I love her as a friend, and I like going out with her, but I'm not in love with her the same way she's in love with me, and it's killing me, because I have no idea why. I can't even enjoy our time together, I'm so busy worrying about it.

Oh well. I can't exactly back out now. She's expecting me any minute now. Can't turn up late, certainly can't leave her waiting. So I take a deep breath, adjust my hat, and walk out of my dorm room to meet Kaede.

This is our fifth date, so I shouldn't be too worried. It's too early for her to profess her love to me, which is when I'll really need to do something. Right? Yeah, no way will she tell me she loves me so soon. So there's no need to worry about that.

Then again, the sentimental nature of the date is making me a little nervous. We're not doing anything extravagant, we're not even leaving the school. She's taking me for another piano lesson in the music room, which doesn't sound too exciting, but given it's the first thing we did together, it's a surprisingly romantic place to take me. The perfect place to tell me she loves me. But it's too early for that. It has to be.