Agent Lalisa✓

Chapter 40

Dancing With Your Ghost -
Sasha Sloan

Or

Special - Lee Hi ft Jennie Kim

Lisa POV

The wind greets me as I push the door to the rooftop. I somehow managed to coax everyone to let me be on my own this last night as the doctor said they'll discharge me tomorrow. I can finally breath in some fresh air after being stucked in that boring white room for 6 days straight.

I sit quietly on the wooden branch on the end of the rooftop. The lights from different building and places came into my vision and the busy noise of the night traffic below went into my ears. Despite being at 3:30am, Seoul seems unsurprisingly lively.

I looked and watched the sky on top. Stars are scattered everywhere, but the moon, however, decided to hide behind the clouds. Not knowing why, I have this sudden urge to scream. And that's what I did.

I walked over to the edge of the rooftop and screamed on top of my lungs. I screamed and screamed and screamed until I can't no more. I slide down on the floor with tears flowing on my face.

My mind went to the person I miss the most. Even after all this time, I still call myself as his girl. Am I holding on too tight? Am I slowly losing myself because of him? Is he thinking about me the way I'm thinking about him? Is he suffering the way I'm suffering? If I ever get to see him again, can I love him the way I did before? Can I trust him the way I did before?

Ever since that day, I have been a fucking mess. I'd sometimes jolted up from my sleep because of the nightmares. I'm the best agent in the agency, never once I failed my missions. But look at me now, being to fucking weak because of love. I'm hurt and my heart felt like it's being ripped.

I stay up all night, tell myself I'm alright. Sometimes I would play the music in my playlist and simply wait for our song to come. Every night I think about you, me, and us. Heaven only knows where he is now.

I wanna move on, but it hurts to try. My mind wonder what would happen if we met on a different situation. A different situation where both you and me isn't a damn agent, just a normal 18 years old who's trying to graduate high school? But then again, it's not like I can change fate. The milk has already been spilled.

Where was I before you come? What was I doing all this time without you? How could I manage to survive without when I feel like I'm being torn apart right now? Did we really love, or was it just a long war of hormones and emotions? Damn, I'm so clueless.

I swear I don't remember how it started. Was it the first time we went on a date? Was it the first time we've hugged? Was it it during my first kiss that you've stolen? I don't remember when did I started falling for you.

And here comes the regret. I wish I didn't do it. I wish I didn't say "I love you too". I wish that I could take it all back just to get rid of this pain that's eating me. Was giving you my heart was a mistake? Can you hear me? Can you hear these words? Can you hear the regrets? I wish I didn't have all of this regrets.

How much pain do I have to bear in order to be fine? How much tear do I have to shed to get used to being alone? Even after time pass, my heart keeps on aching. I don't even know my heart.

As much as I hate your presence right now, I also want you to be by my side. I want to hold your hands again. Your warm hands that used to hold me tightly, let me hold them again. I want you to come back. I want you to love me again. My heart is empty, so it feels really cold. I can't go on with how things are right now.

At the tangled memories of you and me, I smiled and cries at the same time. Even if they are sad memories, it’s okay if they’re mine. Even if it’s not happiness, even if it is unhappiness, it doesn't matter because it’s a gift you gave me. Even if it hurts, it’s okay if it’s you.

The time I spent with you is much more than any good times I had with anyone else. I miss the times I spent with you. All I want right now is to wrapped up in your arms and breath in your addicting cookies and cream scent.

Even though I hate you to death, I thank you. Even if it’s in this way, even if I will regret it, thank you for staying with me. I’m not afraid of loving again and being hurt again because no one could hurt me as much as you did, and I know no one could love me as much as you did.

I swear to god this is a mess. What am I even doing? 😪

Anyways, double update cuz I'll be busy this weekend