Figuring Out Life

Intro (Part 2)

Psst. Wanna hear a secret?

Romance stories are my soft spot. Yes they are problematic. Yes they are untrue and yes I will probably have at least one chapter (if not more) where I discuss romance stereotypes and the impact it has on people. But I looove me a good swoon. The part where the guy gets super protective over the girl? Cute. (Even though it's not treating her like a person she deserves to be). The part where the guy kisses a girl because he "couldn't resist"? Stunning (Even though consent is literally my motto for life). Especially when the guy talks about the girl in the third person, describing her as if he knew her more than herself. Here's my heart, author, signed and sealed. (Even though I love and support lgbtq+ , notice how my heteronormativity shone through here).

What I'm saying ties into the last part. Being known. Being accurately described by someone, whether that be "fierce", "brave", "kind" or "beautiful", is something I crave. I want to be known by someone. I want to meet "the one", mon alme soeur, and have my life figured out for me. I want to have someone tell me my worth and stick by me to remind myself when I cannot. I want some guidance. I want some magical letter to come in the fireplace, telling me I get free education, free on-the-job training and guaranteed employment. I want to become the world for someone, because I could not trust myself on that. 

And as much as I would like to get my a** whipped into shape by somebody, no one is coming.

No one is coming.

No one is going to give me everything I want on a silver platter without any effort on my part. No one is going to put me above themselves (in psychology it's called being codependent, or being a people pleaser). No one is going to tell me I belong with them within the first two weeks (it's called love bombing and is a method of manipulation, highly toxic). No one is going to figure my life out for me, or know me well enough to describe me in a single breath.

As cliche as it is, I don't think I'm that predictable, only because I'm always changing. Perhaps it is possible that my actions can be predicted after a while, but I don't think anyone can be described within a single breath. You are a sum of your actions, the actions of others and how you perceive them. Change any single one and you change. A fictional spy said something along the lines of a new mindset means a new person (I read it in Orphan X, not a direct quote). How is it possible to "know" someone entirely?

To be honest, this is part of the reason why I love people. They are so unpredictable in a predictable way. I never know what combination of experiences made you who you are, but there are only a limited number of ways people can interact with one another. I never know how you will react to certain things, but I know if I said "How are you", your first response is likely to be "good", whether that is true or not. I never know who you are as a person, but I have met so many people that were similar to you in more ways than you expect. But never would I ever dare to describe someone in absolute terms, because people do change.

So let's talk intrinsic qualities and people not changing.

Intrinsic qualities. An interesting concept. I would like to believe that there are certain core characteristics of a person. This seems to be supported by the Attachment Theory (how you love based on how you were loved) and the idea that your personality is pretty much set when you are 10. Yet I have also known those who lost themselves and who they were. For example, I once met a girl who wanted to be a good friend, now she spreads gossips. I knew someone who wanted to do good but now does drugs. (which is not objectively wrong, it just wasn't her  definition of "good" - she went against her own principles is what I want to emphasize). Could you argue that there is still a part of herself that is still who she wanted to be? Yes. I believe that's the purpose of the jail system, to convince people of the "good" part of themselves (the part society considers "good", anyways). Could you also argue that she has completely changed and is now lost forever? Yes. I also think that is what the jail system is for (putting it on record you were a criminal and unlikely to be redeemed). It is entirely up to the person. Perhaps we all have a bit of "good" inside. Perhaps we are all devils pretending to be angels to fit into society. Perhaps we are all a little bit grey, and how you choose to interpret situations is up to you. I am not here to tell you what to do or to judge. 

People not changing. Also interesting. I touched on this briefly in the last paragraph about your personal beliefs. I have seen people change and I have seen those that don't. You have too. Depending on your cognitive bias, you may see more of one or the other, depending on your beliefs (similar to Baader-Meinhof phenomenon, where you see a new word you just learned basically everywhere). Let's see. I think people can change. But whether or not they do change is up to them. I think it's impossible to force someone to change or change in the way you want to if they don't want to themselves. Let's consider the gunpoint situation as an extreme. Your threats work because they want to be alive. Their interpretations of your actions and words are based on your words/actions and their reactions to it based on previous experiences and encounters they have had. In other words, the bad boy trope is a lie. In other words, people can change, but only if they want to. In other words, you can never be sure of the impact you will have on others, as it depends so much on their observation of that impact. So in conclusion, my advice is to expect people can change, but not necessarily in the way you want to, no matter how much time and energy and affection you give them.

So let's go back to definitions. We've established that there may or may not be intrinsic qualities. We've established that people may or may not change depending on their choices. What does it mean in terms of being known? To me, it means that any description given by anyone is never going to be accurate. I'm not entirely sure about the "know you more than you know yourself thing" but that's not the central focus of today. Why? Because you change. And because I don't think any of us know what we are capable of or what choices we will make unless we are forced into a certain situation. And when we are, our reaction will probably surprise us, and probably our loved ones too.

Now in the case of the psychic or when AI gets advanced enough to analyse humans (and I know there are trends in people's actions that if AI gets hold of your experiences and values can be deducted), I would probably have to take back my word. So much of what I have said hinges on the fact that you don't entirely know someone's experiences or value system (especially if it has never been tested in real life but remains theoretical), if you did, then you could probably guess their reactions, but since we are not there technologically (yet), definitions are still pretty hard.

Personally, in my monologues with my reflection (dialogues? technically it's two people?), I have had trouble defining myself. I was kind, but not nice. I was brave, but not enough to taunt the supernatural. I believed in equality, but sit quiet when other people, through ignorance, discriminate against others. I was not consistent.  And that's okay. I am constantly changing. I was taught to stand up for I believe in and to keep the peace. I was taught to be obedient but also try to come up with new solutions. I was taught to be independent but also to put my parents' desires above my own. I was raised on contradictions, so I am a contradiction. And that is ok.

This book is called Figuring Out Life because I don't have it figured out. This is my brain vomit. Every thing I never tell others for fear of being sent to an asylum. Every thing I keep to myself to not hurt others. Every thing I am but cannot face. It may not be rants. There may be poetry, songs, arts, or even animations. I don't know. All I know is I want to figure this thing out, some way or another, whether or not you are with me, though I always enjoy the company.

Peace,

LB