Behind myself

Pressure and friends

I do a lot of activities to say the least. most kids can handle only one after school activity...... I have JCL (joiner Latin competition), 4H, Horses, violin, and Softball. not to mention I go to a school with high expectancies and high standards.... it's stressful and I cry and have panic attacks, except there's few people who have seen me cry and fewer who've seen me have an attack. I don't do well with yelling or stress or pain I can't really control myself I can only suppress my true feelings. Some of my friends yell at me for being a pushover when my other friends take my money and I don't stop them, some .... no all of them, ignore me. wether they accept it or not I'm the weak link of EVERY group. One of my best friends, Saige, had her best friend come to school here and She HATED me, and soon the feeling became mutual. People called her crap behind her back and I stood up for her, she started datin the guy who had just dumped me. I hung out with her and him, she told everyone I was a slut. They broke up and he confessed he was sorta blackmailed into dating her, we started going out again, she got even more pissed and had my friends choose me or her..... they all chose her , Saige chose her. I was ignored by her and I was afraid of having to make my own decisions and of being alone. there's always been someone who's told me what to do. After I broke up with the guy because I could tell he obviously didn't like me anymore, Saige had this rediculous thought to have Saige her and I have a sleep over.... it ended with me being ignored to Saige giving me some attention with bare back horse jumping (because I'm scared of heights and falling). well the friend didn't like that and she was having a hard time and it was an easy fix so I tried giving her a suggestion and Saige agreed, she flipped out and started yelling and went home.... we ended taking the blame, especially me. Thank god she left schools though, I honestly don't care why.... but I haven't gotten those friends back because their still devout to her as if she were a goddess. after being scared of being alone and having no authority i suppressed most of it. now I'd rather not go near Saige because she's devout to her, she's the main subject of our conversations, she spends every possible moment with her.... and our birthdays are a day apart . Saige forgets mine and always remembers hers. shed even skip mine for hers. that will never change and it's a pressure to keep surpressingb this anger I have tword her for all the mean things she said. for taking the only friend I stuck around and had a big connection with for 2 years. it all went down the drain and all I do is smile and nod at the fact that I was the only one who didn't follow Alora, the girl who got everything she wanted, my best friends, and the destruction of me.