𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒇 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈

𝑓𝑖𝑣𝑒

"What are you thinking about?"

Her tone was as soft as the snowfall outside the glass, the white blanketing everything. Aemilius offered a cup of coffee with a soft kiss to Atlas's temple, and she hummed with gratitude. To the eye, it was peaceful.

A bare apartment, packed boxes untouched along the pale walls, void of pictures or any decorations. A single white sheet covered the bare twin mattress on the floor, and on top laid a single naked body, entangled in a bare ivory duvet.

"I'm thinking about what we should do." His voice was musky with sleep. Other than sex, he spent the night grading papers.

"You mean other than this?" Atlas motioned to the bed.

"For three weeks? Don't you want to go out with any friends, or fly to see your parents?"

Atlas caressed the stubble on his cheek with a small smile. "If I leave, you'd be lonely without me."

Aemilius grinned. "Too lonely." He set his mug down to give her a kiss before burying his head on her chest, arms wrapped around her.

Atlas gazed in the white IKEA mug at the cheap coffee. She felt watered down, drowned in white. The bed, the walls, his skin, the mugs. Everything was lifeless. Even her skin looked greyed in the dusky, cold light.

She hadn't been to her apartment in a week. As someone who took almost narcissistic care in her appearance, her home was a clutter of beauty products to make her brown skin radiate and glow, her black hair shine, her lips pink and glossy, her lashes dark and curled. Now, her legs went unshaved and ashy, her brows unplucked. She hadn't been to the gym in months to make time for Aemilius and gained considerable weight.

He didn't mind it and said he preferred having more body to hold. But Atlas couldn't fully hide her disappointment when her months of hard work went down the drain. Her ab definition, her toned back, her muscular legs... It was vanity, but she still enjoyed how fit she was.

Aemilius didn't notice any of her new insecurities. He simply liked that he now had more ass to gaze at, or heavier breasts to grab. The rest was nuance.

Atlas took a sip of coffee and grimaced. Bitter and cold, it felt like the rest of the apartment. She glanced to the boxed across the room and swallowed the question she was too scared to ask.

He moved out of the house that his wife kept in the separation half a year ago. The day to day necessities were unpacked within a week, but the rest lined the living room wall. There was really only one reason why he hadn't unpacked after all this time, despite his excuses of "I've been busy the last half-year."

He must still think he'll go back to his house. To his wife. Not now, but eventually.

Atlas took another swing at the awful, unsweetened coffee and swallowed the bitterness. She usually took it with sugar.

She couldn't tell him how she hated it here. The apartment was badly insulated and had cold drafts in the living room. He used his bedroom in the bachelor complex as an office, so they'd sleep by the kitchen counter and the TV on the floor.

The place was sadly furnished, which is to say it wasn't really furnished at all. Even simple kitchen appliances were sparse.

Atlas's boyfriend lived like a single man, and she was too prideful to mention it, but it made her feel worthless.

"Why don't you want to visit your parents?"

His words broke the silence, and Atlas lamented. He really was attentive at the worst times.

"I don't have enough saved up for the plane tickets." She offered a meager smile, hoping it would be enough of an excuse. "How about you, you don't want to see your family for Christmas?"

She found changing the topic to him usually ensured the topic stayed off her.

"My parents usually work through the holidays, so it's not much fun spending New Years at the chalet."

Atlas held her breath. "How about your wife?"

At the mention of her, Aemilius stilled. Sitting up, he ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. Atlas drew her knees inwards, almost as to hide behind herself.

He knew this topic would've come up sooner or later, and he prepared his words to prop the car crash of a marriage up in a flattering light. It was the least he could do for his lover.

"We agreed when we separated that we both needed our space..."

"Do you plan on seeing her soon?"

"—I," another sigh, "I don't know."

Softly, Atlas pushed on. "Tell me."

The silence stretched into endless seconds where neither seemed to breathe.

"...We met young. Got married young. Neither of us knew what we were doing, or really knew each other. The more time passed, the more we seemed to change into people neither could recognize. As the years went on, the only thing that felt right was the sex. There'd be nothing holding us together apart from that.

"The separation was her idea. She said being with me was more lonely than being alone, so I left. Gave her space."

"... Do you still love her?"

Aemilius had expected this question, but it still felt difficult to answer.

"...I do."