Church Chronicles: Part 2

Nine: Love Never Felt This Good

Pastor Bonita and Pastor Clive Vislon were such a great couple, such grounded people who only loved doing the Lord's work and word. But did I see that? No. I saw another Michael and Sikhona Ndizi. People who were selfish, people who were all about themselves.

It took me a while to finally warm up to them, and I thank God that they were very patient about everything. They invited me to dinner at their place with Sesona of course, because I wouldn't have agreed if it was only going to be me alone. The house was big enough for a family of six or seven, but it had so much warmth in it uqala nje ungena you were hugged by this warmth. I felt at home in my first step. The dinner table was set, their kids were around so I was asked to introduce myself to them, then we blended like old cousins. After dinner, Pastor Bonita asked me to accompany her to the study while Sesona and the kids served up dessert. When we got to the study she pulled a chair and offered me to sit down...

"You need to let go..."

I froze.

I knew exactly what she meant but I didn't expect her to just put it like that, no warning whatsoever. So she continued,

"You either have to go back to them and tell them you forgive them, or you have to actually forgive them and then let go."

I breathed... "I have forgiven them, Pastor Bonita, it's just..."

"You don't write your own path to life, you had to go through that phase and now that it's over. Let go."

I felt tears down my cheeks, she asked why I was crying so I broke it down to her. To detail, but it seemed as though she already knew everything because she wasn't shocked or surprised, she was just listening to me attentively before asking; "What happened between you and your parents?"

I had to tell her everything yet again, I realized that I had been strong for too long, and talking to her made me vulnerable, I hated that feeling. Being strong was who I had become but she was making me vulnerable, she was making me feel weak. I immediately stopped crying, cleaned myself up, and smiled at her. She laughed...

"I see right through that, you're not strong anymore. At least you don't have to be, you don't have to pretend to be strong anyway. In the Lord's eyes, we are all children and your place of vulnerability is with Him. Stop running away from God Mandilakhe, stop."

"I can't... I want to make things right with Him, I just can't," I said, looking at my shivering hands.

"You can, and you will,"

"I don't think I can Pastor Bonita, I am not worthy. Look at the things I've done, in the house of God. Not anywhere else but in the house of God, I lied, cheated, and did all sorts of things but mostly I disrespected an ordained union right under His watch. Like, I'm already a sinner as it is but I added fornication to the list, how then, can He ever forgive me?" I asked her, sincerely.

" God loves you, and if you sincerely repent from your old ways and vow to live for Him, surely He can also forgive you. He can bring you back to Him, He can renew your life, He can restore your wasted years and everything else that was eaten by the locust, He can restore. All you have to do is say yes to His will, allow Him to renew you. To wash you with the blood of Jesus, allow Him to give you a new name, allow Him to take control and take charge of your life... Just allow him Mandilakhe, let go and allow God to lead you, "

By the time she finished saying that, I was already on the floor, crying my heart out and she was right next to me, praying for me, and then a few minutes later I heard many other voices praying over us. Suddenly the small study room was filled with prayer, and I had no words to say to God. I felt unworthy yet at the same time, I felt like He was right there, hugging me. I felt like He understood even the things I wasn't verbalizing. After a while, the voices stopped and someone said "AMEN", Pastor Bonita stood up, I cleaned my nose with my t-shirt.