Illicit Affairs

twenty-five. all for nothing

When we get back to our dorm, I practically collapse on to my bed. I grasp on to the silk-like sheets, and shove my plain pillow on my face to hide my tears. There's really no point though, as Aria and the strangers that walked past us on the way here already saw how much of a wreck I was.

I should have seen this coming. I should have been more careful. I should have known that Cole would do something like this.

He gets pleasure out of ruining the lives of others, and I can't even imagine how joyous he must be at this moment. It all starts to make sense in my mind.

He started suspecting something was going on after that text message he saw, and he made a plan to try to catch me in the dangerous act. He literally followed me to try to get what he wanted. This has clearly been in his brain for the past few weeks, and he accomplished his goal so easily.

What does this mean for me now?

Cole is free of his chains, while I'm thrown into the deep pits of hell. Cole will be hailed as a hero, while my family will shut me out of their lives forever. Cole can live his stupid life however he wants, while I'm left with the damage of past restrictions and standards that will hurt me forever.

Aria is patting my shoulder lightly, and whispers, "I'm here for you if you want to talk about it."

The worst part is that I can't even face Aria. I ignore her willing pleas for me to make conversation with her, but that's just impossible.

We had found our own version of a perfect wonderland, but of course it would never last. We were foolish for thinking that it ever could.

I have the worst luck, and I don't know what my next move should be. I can't even deny it because it's literally picture of the kiss. There's no excuse for that.

I hear Aria say, "I'll give you some space. Call me if you're ready to talk."

I listen to the faint sounds of her walking across the room, and I let go of a loud breath when the door closes. I throw the pillow off my face, and it lands on the opposite end of my bed. I can already feel that my face must be that extreme shade of red that only goes away with time and cold water. My entire body feels weak as if it's been overpowered by a dark sense of danger and disaster. Nothing makes sense anymore.

I finally take my coat off, and I rest it on the chair right next to me. My boots follow, and now, I can finally walk around comfortably. I pace around in circles, and in my mind, I'm not coming any closer to any possible solution.

I'm a one-answer kind of person. That's how I approach my problems. I use logic and hard fact to decide what I'm supposed to do. There's never any space for any emotional claims and arguments, but right now, my entire body is filtered by negativity which spreads into my search for answers.

Like expected, I'm still unable to come up with anything.

I do realize that there is a short-term solution though.

I reach for my delicate phone that held the worst news of my life, and I scroll to my mother's contact information. I wince at the sight of the nasty text she left me, but I decide to focus on my own message.

I go for something simple, and I type, 'I can explain. Please call me back.'

I can already imagine my mom's response. It would probably be something like it 'you're fucked up in the head. I just don't understand where we went wrong.'

Still, there's hope. Even if that hope feels like my mind is an open field that's waiting to get destroyed by her bomb-like words.

After I finish typing everything, I hit send.

I'm immediately greeted by a 'you cannot send messages to this number.'

I refuse to believe what this means, and then I scroll over to my dad's contact. I type up a huge essay about what happened and why they need to talk to me. I pour over my feelings into it, and I bring up our old fond memories to bring up their sympathy. I try to do everything possible to somehow make this okay.

As soon as I hit send, I'm greeted by the same, 'you cannot send messages to this number.'

My own parents blocked my number.

I submitted pages of excuses and explanations, and they gave me nothing in return. Not all stories are important, and they've clearly decide that mine isn't worth listening to.

I rest my head down, wanting to disappear from this world. Nothing makes sense. I look back up at Aria's side of the room, still dark as always. She says it's a comfort to her.

I never understood that. I try to hide away my sadness or bad feelings, not put them on display with the tone of the room.

Except, that's not what she's doing. I understand that now. Because that's basically what I want to do to.

I slowly start to feel as I'm in drowning in a never ending ocean of my idle thoughts and senseless negativity. In the past, I had buried my fragile friendships and burned my harrowing hope to try to prevent this very exact thing from happening.

And for what?

Everything still went to hell anyway.

I want the entire world to launch into chaos. I want to paint the town grey and watch everything fall apart. I want everything to match what I'm feeling right now. I don't want to be alone.

It just doesn't feel fair. My life is destroyed simply because of who I'm dating and who I am.

How could that ever make sense?