Illicit Affairs

four. get the girl

That night, I barely sleep. Even though I try to forget about what Aria says, it seems as if that's all I can think about.

That night, Aria is also mindlessly moving around in her bed. She hasn't brought anyone of her victims in forever. As a matter of fact, it's been about a week since she last had someone with her. Not that it's any of my business. It isn't. I just wonder what's changed.

That night, I recieve texts from Spencer, asking me if he should go through with asking his classmate on a date. I tell him that he needs to do it before someone else asks Ivy, his classmate, on a date. I hardly know anything about her, but as long as she makes Spencer happy, then that's all I need to know for now. Whenever Spencer starts talking about her, he gets nervous and suddenly the conversation will turn into one about his fears, rather than me learning more about what kind of person she is.

That night, after hours of wandering around the world in my mind, I fall asleep.

The next day, I'm ready to confront whatever life throws at me. I will not let any comments made by Aria get to me, and I will not allow myself to think about how my life is still sort of a mess.

Today, I'm going to try to help Spencer.

Even though I'm half asleep and Aria is playing some music from her computer, I feel more ready than ever. I need to make a habit of getting up early. I've heard about self-help books that say that waking up early helps your mental state. Maybe it'll make me more productive.

As I stare at Aria's back, I feel curious as to why exactly she's up. She's never done that before. Not that I've been keeping track. That would be creepy.

"Why are you up so early?" I ask Aria curiously.

She turns around, stares at me, then laughs, responding, "it's none of your business."

"Weren't you the one that said anything that happens in this room is your business? It's the same for me now," I tell her, reminding her of her previous words.

She says, "have you read any self-help books before?"

I hate that we both shared the same thoughts about that.

I decide to tell her, "no, I never have."

She smirks, and turns around, facing her screen again but not before I hear her mutter, "you clearly need to self-help your attitude."

I don't even feel like protesting against whatever she has to say. So, I direct my energy to getting ready. I take a quick look in the mirror, and I feel satisfied with how I look.

My trusted blue and green patterned flannel is more than enough comfort for me. Paired with some black leggings and white Vans, it's me. I put on a light amount of makeup that highlight my dark brown eyes, and don't take away from my tan skin. It's the same outfit and smile that I've been putting on for the past four years, so it's not like I'll have anything new to say about it.

I leave the room, and know that my next destination is Spencer's room.

Walking through the crowds of joyful students and hopeful professors, I feel alone. I've never been able to connect with many people. Not in a way that could allow me to be in large groups, doing whatever comes to mind.

I have to plan everything out perfectly in my mind beforehand, and think about every possible outcome of every decision that I make.

Spending time making new friends just doesn't work for me.

When I make it to Spencer's room, I knock on the door and he says the door is open. I walk in, and find that his place is a mess.

I quickly figure out that the state of his room matches the current state of my mind.

"I'm terrified," is all he says as he's throwing shirts around, just looking for the right one.

"Isn't your date going to happen in the evening?" I question.

Looking at my watch and outside the window, it's still clearly morning. The sun is bright, and illuminates the room with a golden glow. Spencer stands up to move the curtains so that the room is dark.

"I haven't dated anyone, in like, forever," he says.

I think back to the last time he dated someone. It was back in middle school and was a typical childhood romance. He was dating a guy, which only confirmed more of his real wishes. He realized that he would much rather identify as a guy, than to be with one. He hasn't dated anyone since then.

"So? You're Spencer! Who doesn't want to date you?"

"Definitely not that guy from middle school," he mutters.

That's another thing that happened after the relationship ended. Transphobia and homophobia was common in my town, and the boy certainly showed what he thought about anyone that wasn't cisgender or straight. He ended up moving shortly after, but I think that the effect of those words live on in everyone's minds.

People leave, but their words will always stay.

I tell Spencer that he's being ridiculous and that anyone would be lucky to date him. He responds by telling me that I need to let him be insecure in peace.

"I'm not going to let you keep being negative! You're going to have an amazing date."

"I don't know," he says.

"You'll see. After this, I'm going to say 'I told you so.' Just wait for it."

"You're so annoying," he tells me.

"I'm going to spend the whole day here to help you prepare for your date," I declare.

That's not something I planned on doing, but I'll do anything to help Spencer out.

He's now visibly relaxed, and says, "thanks, Celeste. Don't you have work to do though?"

In my mind, I have a long to-do list. I try to ignore the work, at least for today, just for Spencer. I've spent my entire life letting school dictate my life and keep me from having fun, so it isn't selfish to take just one day off.

"It's all gone," I reassure him.

He knows how important school is to me, and he says, "are you sure? You don't have to stay here if you-"

"Don't make me regret my choice! I'm here for you, Spencer. I mean that."

He calmly smiles, and says, "alright. So, I have some questions."

I ask myself why he trusts me so much when it comes to this stuff. Sure, I'm a lesbian, but I've never actually been with a girl. Or kissed a girl I liked. Or hugged a girl I liked. Or, even been near a girl I liked. All of my past crushes on girls pass by quickly, always leaving me wondering if they even were crushes in the first place.

Somehow, I can analyze everyone else's emotions and problems, but I never can quite figure out my own.

When it comes to having feelings for girls, I never exactly realize that I'm starting to fall for someone. It just happens. I have an "oh fuck" moment, and then I figure it out. I've never had the fortunate opportunity to act on my feelings though. Partly because of my insecurities, but mainly because my fake relationship with Cole.

At times, I want to have a secret relationship with someone. Just to feel something. I imagine that it would be thrilling, but I've never had the guts to actually do it. I don't think that any kind of girl would want to be involved in something like that anyway. Plus, my morals make me question if it should even happen.

I try to get out of my head, and I turn my attention to Spencer's random questions.