f r a g m e n t e d.

golden.

It was a Thursday afternoon when my friend called. Told her I felt lonely and sad, so she came to pick me up for a drive under the sunset. Golden, by Harry Styles played in the background while we watched the rain start falling in the hills and, suddenly, memories came to my mind. I remembered the day you called me at 4pm for a coffee, after a long and exhausting mathematics test. The cold raindrops didn't feel pleasing moments before, but when I was running with you, your hand holding mine, didn't care about the cars buzzing around, about the strange looks or the gossip at school. All I cared about was your smiling face, looking at me with glazed eyes and warm breath close to my nose. The warmth of your body and your arms around my waist, pulling me closer for a kiss. It wasn't the coffee or the jacket that you gave me. It was your presence that made me feel alive, and I missed that so fucking much. Because you're so golden, honey.

- Does he still work there? - My friend asked while driving down the hill.

- Yes. - I answered. He's been working in the same bakery for almost two years. Maybe that's why I noticed him: the smell of fresh coffee and chocolate cake. I'm joking. (But that was definitely a good factor).

- Okay, then tell him to put on a mask. - She said while turning the car around, heading to the city.

- Are you crazy?

- No, I'm mean it.

I opened his whatsapp contact. He wasn't online.

"Hey. I'm in the city right now and was wondering if you're idk free or something."

And sent.

My friend slowed the speed, waiting for the answer. Must admit, I was nervous. Haven 't seen him in what, six months? This fucking pandemic screwed everyone.

He answered.

"Hiii, yeah I'm in the bakery right now, but come over."

"Oh no no I don't wanna disturb you or anything, we can see each other another time."

"Don't be silly, I wanna see you now. Miss you."

Fuck. I'm not crying I'm not crying I'm not crying I'm not crying I'm not crying I'm not crying I'm not crying I'm not crying I'm not crying I'm not crying I'm not crying I'm not crying.

I'm crying.

"Okay, wait for me."

We got there in about five minutes. He was waiting in the front door, with a little box in his hands.

- This is for you. – he said while delivering the box.

It was a simple white box, with a clear tape covering the opening and a little smiley face on the top. The same smiley we used to "tattoo" each other on our hands. I opened it curiously and, for my surprise, it was filled with little chocolate donuts. My favorite.

- No fucking way. – my voice squeaked. I hugged him tight, not only for the donuts, but because I missed his arms around me more than anything. – Thank you.

We talked for a while about everything. School, homeschool, his parents divorce, my brother's engagement, our crazy friends and how much we missed the routine. It was getting late, unfortunely, and I didn't wanna make my friend wait in the car for too long. But then...

- Oh, and ah... Bell and I are celebrating our 4º month dating this month. – he almost whispered, looking at his feet.

And it was at this moment that I remembered Flora Cash's song, "You're somebody else". He looks like himself, talks like himself, but he's someone else and that makes me nervous. He moved on and started a new chapter in his life. Almost a year and I still think about our moments. But I must let this go. I must let him go. We're still friends and I still care about him very much, but there are things that... I just can't.

- Yes, ahm... I hope you're both happy. – I commented, giving one step away, preparing to say goodbye. - And I hope you treat her well, or I'll have to kick your ass.

He laughed.

- We're happy.

They're happy. That's all that matters.

- Well, thank you for meeting me. I missed you, for real. – my rebel eyes started watering. I have to go.

- No, thank you.

He took my free hand in his and pulled me into a hug. A goodbye hug. We both know it all ends now, even though it hurts like hell.

And it ended.

And it hurt like hell.

And I get the feeling that he'll never need me again.

I just hope someday he'll open up about his fears.

Because he's golden, and I know he's just broken and scared.

Because I'm so open.

Because I'm golden too.