Creative Impulse

I'm Done.

The choices the possibilities. How do I decide?

I feel worthless all my life I was supposed to be working toward one single goal. But the goals have changed so much I'm now just confused, lost in an abyss of what ifs. From doctor to fashion designer, psychologist to painter to writer to philosopher.

I have wanted it all. But the passion was too strong, it burned through my mind scorching everything, the desire has gone. I am left with nothing. I am nothing. I'm a fraud. A fake an imposter. I don't know anything, I have no skill, my thirst of knowledge has left my mind dry.

I believe in nothing; I want nothing I want everything. To learn to live to love... love, I need love most of all. I'm searching for someone to help me because I am helpless. I'm helpless. I wanted to be strong, to be independent. To not need anyone. But I'm weak and that's the truth. I'm weak. I can't do this on my own. I'm so confused.

Please help me make sense of this. Of this world. The pain the darkness it surrounds me. I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I can't breathe, I can't move I'm stuck. Help. Help I've said this word so much, in my mind, believing that somehow someone will hear it. They'll see. But no one ever sees. How can you see in all this darkness? Its not just me. It surrounds everyone everything. It has destroyed us.

The darkness is us. Humanity is finished. It should be finished. We don't deserve to live here. We don't deserve it. It's the end. it has to be. I can't imagine continuing anymore. Something needs to happen. Its going to happen. Something big. The pressure is building.

We will explode.

...........................................................

this is just um...i dont even know. this is for when i eventually write a book, i can come back here and feel these emotions again so i can project it into my characters. some lines from that rambling mess have potential to become something one day.

so it shall stay here. waiting.

xoxo

- a mess