[💋🥀] 𝘮𝘺 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘮𝘦
'𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘺 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘳𝘺
in which a case involving BDSM causes
𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲𝗿 𝗿𝗲𝗶𝗱 and 𝗮𝗽𝗿𝗶𝗹 𝗵𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗿𝗶𝘅 to fall
into the other's arms.
includes explic...
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I. my unloveable self [APRIL HENDRIX]
WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU "oh, a girl like you never stays single for long," it's supposed to make you feel good about yourself, right? When someone says that, they're basically telling you that you're too good to be single and that all the guys in the world are lined up, waiting for their turn. It's as if single people can't be hot—but the thing is, the hottest people are always single. So I never quite understood that whole, "if she's pretty she must have a boyfriend," because in reality, relationships mean shit.
Instead of not staying single for long, I was the exact opposite. I was never in a relationship for long, and it was a pretty depressing thing. Sometimes, I wondered if I was just completely unlovable. Other times, though, I thought about the whole "hot people are always single" thing and then felt just a bit better about myself. But normally it was just sad and lonely for me.
Maybe it was because I was just independent. But...then at the same time, I was so not independent. I knew I didn't need someone to survive, but I wanted someone so badly. I felt hopeless whenever I saw a married couple my age, with an entire family already. I was still pretty young, but there were times when I just wondered if it was too late for me to fall in love. Like, how long did you have to be in love to actually make the commitment of being with each other forever? Hell, who the hell would want to spend the rest of their life with me, out of all people?
I guess this insecurity came from my terrible luck with relationships. I practically had a new one every few months, whether it was a boyfriend or just some exclusive fuck buddy. But of course, it always ended with me getting dumped because I couldn't get someone to stay for the life of me. It was as if they had an expiration date, and once that time ran out my partners realized I wasn't good enough and would just...leave.
There was a pretty long list of why I was deemed so unlovable (by myself and apparently a lot of other people). And yet, I seemed to never learn my lesson, repeating the following words inside of my head whenever a handsome guy waltzed into my life:
"He's the one."
(I'm normally wrong like, 99.9% of the time.)
And you know, I'd been told, over and over again that it was because of me. They couldn't handle being with me, because I was just "too much." And for a while, I didn't want to believe them—I mean, I deserved to not blame myself for yet another setback, amongst my plethora of them. But as relationships started and fell apart, these words stood out to me, over and over again.
