Primed For Guilt

27 months after his death

''why did you come this late?'', Zain asked me

''I'm sorry, Maryam wasn't letting me go. Look what I-'', I explained myself

''I said, why did you come this late?'', his tone getting harsher 

''I just told you''

''That was a lie, tell me the truth now''

''Zain this is the truth. Are you feeling okay?''

''LIES LIES LIES!'', he got up and screamed in my face. I finally understood now what our neighbor meant

''but I'm not lyi-'', this was the first time his voice ever got louder with me

''you're not sleeping in my room today''

''what? Zain I'm sorry'', I followed him to the room but before entering he slammed the door on my face.

''Zoya wake up!'', Maryam sat on my bed trying to wake me up. My heartbeat was racing and I was drenched in my own sweat.

''you were having a nightmare. Here have a glass of water'', I took the glass of water, with my hands still shaking. I looked at the time to find out it was 5 am.

''are you okay?'', she asked worried

''I am, thanks'', since I had already woken up, I prayed fajr and started revising for my upcoming exams.

I made myself a cup of coffee and sat on my desk. I checked that date on my phone and realized that it was my birthday in ten days. I was going to be 23. Exactly two years since Zain had left. So long since I had felt his touch. His love.

 I got my phone out to check for new messages and my eyes fell on Jamals profile picture. I enlarged and looked at his brown eyes. His smile was ever so pure. I remembered the time when I called to talk to him a few months ago. How I wished I could do it again. The only times we talked was when I deliberately asked a question.

''I see whats happening now'', Maryam said from behind my shoulder. I hurriedly shut my phone pretending like nothing happened 

''don't hide that from me, I know whats going on'', Maryam grinned 

''I don't know what you're talking about'', I lied 

''you don't think I have noticed the way you look at him? You smile whenever someone mentions him? Asking questions you already know?''

''ok thats too far. I don't fake my questions!''

''you didn't deny the rest!'', her smile widened 

''this conversation is pointless''

''what do you mean? it's time you moved on Zoya''

''it's not that simple. I can't move on''

''you can't or you don't want to?''

''Even if I did. Who would want someone like me? come on Maryam you can't hide the fact that I'm a widow. I'm like a used toy, no one wants'', a tear rolled down my eye. I couldn't feel anything for Jamal because that would only feed false hope in my life. Maryam got up and gave me a tight hug. I knew I could share everything with her without her judging me.

''you ruined one man and you are after another now?'', I thought of what Ali would say on this matter.

''You are a disgrace! how can you move on so quickly?'', I thought of what ami would say

''you're finally free to do whatever you want, Zoya. But remember I'll always love you''

All of my classes went by so fast and finally was time for Anatomy. The thought of Jamal entering the class made me sick. My stomach started aching and I told Maryam I didn't want to study Anatomy today.

''are you crazy? Sir Jamal is going to be here any minute now!'', she whispered 

''thats the prob-''

''good morning class!'', Jamal addressed the class. He gave everyone a big smile and started off the lecture.

I noticed how he removed his hair from his forehead every time he turned around. The way he held the marker and took his glasses off when discussing something important. His shirt not ironed and tucked in a messy way. I had to stop thinking about him and focus on my lecture. Every wild thought was going through my brain:

''stop looking at him Zoya! okay you're making it too obvious now. He's looking this way, look away. Now smile. Congratulations, you look like an idiot now''

Anatomy was finally over and I got up to leave. 

''no questions for today?'', all the students had left except for Maryam and I

''I understood everything today'', I gave him an awkward smile.

''well I was actually wondering if you were free Sunday night?'', Maryam nudged me as soon as he asked this question

''That came off wrong. Let me rephrase it, there is an art exhibition and I had free tickets to it. Just thought it would be a good teacher and student bonding experience. You and your friend, Maryam can come along.'', he gave a nervous laugh. 

''ok I'm sorry is this awkward to ask your student that? I'm new to thi-''

''oh no it's totally fine, not awkward at all'', Maryam saved the conversation.

''so you guys will be there?'', he frowned

''yes'', I answered back.

''perfect''