Wonder
i wonder if it's me pulling the strings.
kissing strangers, faking friends, just to ease the anxiety that plucks at my brain, plucks tears from my eyes, plucks at my heart's chords until they're so flimsy and loose that they can never be played again.
i don't know anymore.
i don't know if this is a mental state or just the state im meant to be in. it seems the timing is always off- my relationships always one sided, then too late.
i don't know anymore.
i once considered this a mere moment. murky, dark, water lukewarm and ready to suck me in.
now this darkness is familiar. it brings me into its embrace, lips pressed to my neck, scratchy whispers now a soothing lullaby. its false warmth is now the only thing keeping me adrift.
this is home. i deserve this.
