The Ecdysiast

Chapter 15

I guess at first, you'd think life is going your way, but then it all just ends as quickly as the speed of light. I chuckled without humor. Have you ever gotten betrayed? 

It is unfair how the person whom you thought you can trust is actually the person who also has the guts to lie to you. I don't even know which one to think about. 'Yung kalagayan ni Mommy at ni Daddy o iyong kasinungalingan ni Omar. Ang tanging nasa isip ko ngayon ay ang kapalpakan ko. 

If only I didn't follow what I wanted in the beginning, if only I had been more careful in trusting just anybody, if only I'd been more responsible for my actions, maybe none of this would have happened.

I watched the undisturbed ocean in front of me as water buses sailed along. Omar was out more often simula noong gabi. The night when he confessed his lie. I don't have a problem with it. I don't think I'd want to see him anyway. Parang gusto ko na nga umalis sa condo niya. Staying with him makes me feel uncomfortable now.

He lied about his identity. Why did he have to lie? Bakit sa akin pa? Napaka makasarili niya! Dapat sa una pa lang pala, hindi ko na siya kinilala pa. Hindi dapat ako pumayag pero... ang desperada ko. 'Di ko man lang nagawang mag-ingat. I know somehow, it's my fault why I got fooled. 

I thought about going back home but will I even be able to do that? Matagal na rin ako rito nagtatrabaho at wala namang pag-aabuso o ano ang nangyayari sa akin. Bukod pa roon, malaki ang salary kaya I don't know if going home would be a good choice with our expenses.

I remitted a few amounts of money to Tita Louise so she'll be able to pay for our debts. Si Tita talaga ang tanging laging nandyan para kay Mommy bukod sa akin at kay Daddy. I know the money's not enough, and yet I'm not sure if I have any plans of continuing my job at Maxim. I need money, I badly need it. Ngunit parang gusto ko na lang talagang umuwi.

Ayaw ko rin naman sa ginagawa ko. Ano pang ginagawa ko rito?

"You've been acting like this for some time now." Ciana glanced at me. 

"Acting like what?" Alam ko naman ang ibig niyang sabihin.

"This," she pointed at me and sighed. Nakasandal lang ako sa sofa. Si Ciana ang kasama ko dahil sa tatlong pole dancers na kilala ko, I'm more close and comfortable around her.

Huminga ako ng malalim. "I'm just thinking..." 

"About what?" mabilis niyang tanong. I arose from my position and stared at her, wondering if I should tell her about what I'd been thinking lately.

"I'm thinking of going home," ani ko sa mahinang boses. 

Ciana stared at me and gave me a quick side hug. "If you're missing your family so badly, go for it. Earning money is not as helpful as you think it is when it's slowly becoming the reason for your loneliness." 

I rose up a bit and chuckled. "I don't feel lonely. I'm just tired and I'm so exhausted. I feel so hopeless. I want to be there for my parents and take care of them but I need to earn money. The cycle exhausts me."