Silence // Kim Hongjoong [completed]

Human

TW // child abuse

_______________________________________

     It started when I was young. I hadn't been able to make connections with others beyond basic needs. I had no wants and therefore no interest in anyone nor anything. It wasn't noticed until I was eight. When my father passed away. My mother sobbed for days and I simply watched her. I did not understand why she cried. I saw no reason to.
     "He's just gone." I told her nonchalantly. That was when I received my first slap to the face. The first of many to follow and much more physical carnage in the future.
     I did not react badly. I simply stared at her after her hand had met my cheek. She hated that. Hated that I would not look away in shame, but rather stare in curiosity and confusion. So she did it again. And she would repeat until I could not stare anymore.

     It confused me. Why humans act this way. They are watery and quick to anger. A humans anger is second to none. Not even a grizzly bear. You could play dead in front of a bear and they'd walk away. But if you play dead in front of a human, they'd piss on your corpse and cuss you out. I don't understand the impulsivity. I don't understand the joy in tearing your fellow species apart. In fact, I don't understand joy at all.
     It wasn't until my teenage years that I understood why she'd slapped me so frequently. It was because I was not like her. No I was not like anyone.
     I suppose that is because I am just not human. I, Kim Hongjoong, simply am just not human.

     After hearing that I was unlike others, I began to mimic them. At my fathers funeral, I cried. Yet I did not want to. I smiled on my birthday and laughed at jokes, yet I felt no joy.
     I lied to those around me and ended up charming quite a few people. This earned me friends at school and good notes from teachers. My mother was the only one that could not be deceived. She would grow angry when I put on my mask in front of her, but even angrier when I did not.
     It confused me, but I could not care less for the words she spewed. The only thing that was a hindrance was the smacks. I did not appreciate that. However, she cooked and cleaned, and kept me alive. And so I had no other option than to stick around until she'd gotten completely sick of me.

     That's exactly what I did. I stayed until the end of high school. She'd kicked me out after then. It was a good thing I knew how to get by.
     I met him on the first day of grade nine. He didn't quite stick out in the crowd. He was awfully quiet while I was terribly loud. That's how my mask was, you see, to get people to like me, I had to be outgoing. But he was not and did not try to be. He wasn't like the others at all.
     He kept to himself and I watched every day as he sat down, filled in his notes, payed attention in class, and then left without a sound nor a glance to anyone else.
     Around the same time, I'd been getting many confessions. Letters in my locker and girls walking up to me in the hallway. I had no interest in these affairs and always declined. I did not like to see their tearful eyes, yet I did not hate it either. I tried to fake compassion and comfort them, but they'd always run away.

     And I've no reason to chase if I have no interest anyway.
     I was always open minded when it came to things. I did not understand why certain articles of clothing could not be worn by me. Why I could not wear a skirt or paint my nails the way girls did. The way I would be shamed for wearing makeup. I still don't quite understand it.
     I was very open to many things, and yet I was still surprised to find the next letter.

     One day I got a letter from someone else. One that was not a girl, nor had formally met me. It was not in my locker, nor was it given to me directly. Instead, the boy had waited for me to come to class, placed it on my desk in front of me, and then walked away without a sound.
     The timid boy was acting bravely yet cowardly all at once. He offered a soft smile as he placed the letter on my desk and I couldn't help but have my cheeks flush red. I was not smitten, no...I was scared. I thought I could read people quite well, but I'd never expected this boy to place a love letter on my desk in front of me and the entire class.
     This surprise sparked something within me. Something I'd never felt before. As I looked down at the letter, I spotted his name.

     Park Seonghwa.

     From that day on, I stayed around Seonghwa. We would walk to class together and I would go to his house sometimes. I kept up my facade around him as I did not want to hurt his feelings. Seonghwa was different from everyone else I had met.
     He was compassionate in a way that was not double sided. He loved in a way that did not look for an advantage. He was open minded and accepting of many things. He was not like everyone else who was quick to anger and rash with judgement. He would not get angry if I could not empathize or find joy in certain things and that made me wonder if he knew I was not human.

     Typically had I been found out, I would be shaken to the core. However, Seonghwa gave me some feeling of ease and I could not feel fear around him.

     I cannot love, but if I could, I know I would love him.

     To him, we were in love. To me, he loved me and I liked having him around. It could not go deeper than that for me and I never lied that it did, however he made his own assumptions. I was not bothered by these assumptions. The assumptions that I was madly head over heals for the boy. It helped me blend in more, made me seem human.
     Though at times I doubted that Seonghwa was actually human. He was the least human-like-human I had ever encountered. I'd never seen him angry, nor would he ever raise a hand or his voice. He was polite and it was not fake. He showed love that was deep. It almost made me believe that perhaps I could fall in love with him.

     That perhaps because of him, I could experience joy like the rest. But that was a childish fantasy. I was simply not built for such things. I was wired differently in a much more practical way. One that allowed analysis of facts and not the processing of feelings.
     It was a bit of a hindrance from time to time. But nevertheless I was not indifferent towards my own self. I can't quite form an opinion on myself. I suppose I am fine.

     Many people have described me as caring, soft, laid back. But I am none of those things. I am quite cold, and I cannot care, but I do appreciate getting positive feedback on my mask.
     One thing I can feel is fear. I feel fear most of the time. In the presence of humans, fear plays in the back of my mind. They are scarier than any wild animal. They are unpredictable and evil in nature; full of greed, lust, and driven by instinct.
     Even lions are more domesticated than humans.

     My relationship with Seonghwa did not last long. Only two years before he broke it off. His family had moved and he did not want to have a long distance relationship.
     That was almost a relief to me. Had it continued, I'd have become too lax over a screen and my facade would fall off. I knew something like that would hurt him and I was more than open to breaking up for that reason.

     I may not feel much, but I do empathize in some way. Though I must be very close to a person before I actually can. The only such person I had ever empathized at that point was Seonghwa. But as time moved on, I grew to empathize with only six other men.

     Six men that I wish I'd never had met.