Thursday August 20, 2020
today was a HELLA hard day for me. mainly involving my self harm tendencies. as of right now i am 52 days clean! my next goal is two months which is 61 days. i have only relapsed once and i am very proud of myself for that, of course if i hadn't relapsed i would probably be at 2 months already but shit happens. i am just so so so disappointed in myself. like i love life and i like the people i'm surrounded by, but it just gets so hard to pull though at moments.
like a moment ago i had just spilt my water everywhere and i usually don't get mad at stuff like this but i had started cussing myself out in my head. i've been so hard on myself these past two weeks but I'm pretty sure i play the role "i'm fine" pretty well anywhere else. i mean it's not like i'm never happy! it's just every-time i have messed up on something these past two weeks or if i wasn't able to complete a task i would immediately start saying stuff like this in my head.
⚠️ TW⚠️
'wow you can even do that right, you should've killed yourself when you had the chance last year.'
'look at you go mess up that set, everyone is disappointed in you, you should be ashamed for that.'
'you really thought someone like them could've liked you, you're just a fat piece of shit who is ugly in every single way.'
⚠️tw over⚠️
if you will see me at school in the next week, please don't bring this up. no, i still haven't got a therapist and my father isn't bringing attention to it. maybe i will be able to get help soon but for right now, i just have to live with this.
