I'm just so alone. I feel so empty and I have nothing that can distract me. I can't be who I want in front of my family because I'm their "little princess" I can't help but still wish that I could have a way to know just what about me made her not like me anymore. I really did like her but I didn't know what I did to make her not feel the same way she did about me anymore. I haven't got any work done for this week and I put it off till the last moment and now I'm probably going to fail 8th grade and I just can't help but think if I could've just done my work already everything would be fine and I tell myself to do my work all week but I never do it because I don't want to and I hate myself for it. And I think about how I'm probably in love with the one and only (iykyk) but since I came out as trans I would never have a chance because he would probably be disgusted in who I am and I tell myself I need to get over this awful crush because he will never like me back but at the end of the day I can't help but wonder what he's doing and if he's safe and if he would even think about me I know he doesn't think about me and I can't help but every time I go out in public I look at everyone and I look at every car we pass on the highway in hopes that it's him but it never is and I can't except the fact that I'm breaking slowly over someone who doesn't even feel the same way because there are so many more beautiful girls he could like because all I am is a boy trapped in a girls body but I can't help but wish that I could just be normal because if I was maybe I wouldn't be such an outcast.
I'm sorry but I can't help with my thoughts and sometimes I just want to stop thinking and the only way I could do that at this point is end it.
I keep pills in my room and scissors and I remember the pool in my backyard. I think about it too much that I could just go into the pool and go underwater and never come back up and it would be okay.
The only way I get silence is by sleeping and that's why I do it so much just to be able to not think. But all I do is dream about him and i make up these scenarios where I'm with him but I know that it can't ever happen.
I would never end my life at this point because I need to be here for my family and I just want to be able to keep everyone safe.
I'm just so broken and I don't know how to fix it. I just want to have someone to hold onto and be able to be happy for longer then a day.
I'm just so tired of being hurt. I'm broken and I don't think I can ever be fixed.
