I hate you I hate you I hate you ( but I was just kidding myself ) ~ LS

Chapter 1

Louis POV

" What are you doing here freak?"

" Do you really think we're gonna be friends ? You weirdo get the fuck away from me "

" Someone like you doesn't deserve to live "

" I hate you you know that ? Because of you your dad died . He shouldn't have saved your life in the first place . He should just let you die . I really hope I never have to see you again I hope you never even exist in this fucking world "

Yeah . That's .... exactly what I heard every single day in my 17 years of existence . I know . You don't have to feel sorry for me . I'm used to it . I can say that I didn't feel anything anymore . When you have been called that from the day you were born . All the way to being 17 you will just ... get used to it . Numb. I know I said that like it was nothing but that's just who I'am . I know I shouldn't have let all that define who I'am but that's exactly what I'am . I can't seem to change that .

It's currently 7.30am in the morning when my alarm started to ring . Reaching to my bedside table for the second time to switch it off and finally woke up and start my day . I definitely could say I'am not excited for today . When am I ever excited for any day anyway ? . Today is a Monday and what a best way to start a Monday if not with a cup of coffee which I called " my keeping me alive " coffee- which is the only thing I ever looked forward to every single day other than meeting and waking up to see my four little sisters . The little sisters that have give me a reason to stay alive .

So yeah , I woke up , go to the bathroom wash my face took a shower and pick my outfit of the day which is a black hoodie and a black trackies with white stripes . Hoodies . My regular , everyday outfit cause I don't have the reason to dressed up .

" Loulou ? Are you awake ? " I heard the voice of Phoebe at the other side of my door .

" Yeah phoeb just wait for me downstairs I'll be downstairs in a min "

When I heard the small ok from phoebe . I went to my full length body mirror . Not to see how I look . Not to check myself. To talk to myself . It's my morning routine thing . " You're gonna stay alive today alright? Do it for Phoebe , Daisy , Lottie and Fizzy. They need you . I know it's hard but do it for them please "  . One of the reason I do this everyday is because sometimes I could catch a glimpse of the old Louis I used to be . He help me went through all this thing I have to endure every single day . Sometimes I can even see him smiling at me and telling me that everything's going to be fine . And that's the Louis before the tragedy happened . The carefree Louis . The not broken Louis .

I can feel my eyes well up with tears thinking about all of this , so before the flashback came rushing through my head again I took my backpack and went downstairs where all four of my little sisters was sitting on the kitchen table . Each of them munching bacon  and drinking a cup of tea that I'm sure were made by my mom . She loves them so so much but for some reason she hated me . She told me how she's disappointed to have me as an older child . As the only boy in the family . As her child . I know exactly why she felt that way . I hated myself too . But even all the hatred she has shown me I still love her to pieces with my whole now broken heart .

" You okay lou ? " Fizzy look at me with a sad look on her face . I guess I've been zoning out long enough for fizz to noticed. I've been doing that a lot lately ." Do you want me to make you breakfast ? I can do it for you you know " she gave me a small smile .

" It's okay fizz you don't have to worry about me . I'm good . I'll wait for you guys in the car alright ? I'm going to get some coffee on my way to school after dropping you guys off so don't worry " . That's Felicite . One of my little sister . Yeah the oldest . You guess it right . We've been living together for a very long time. She knows what happened between me and mum . And my dad .

" Don't worry about him Fizzy . He knows how to live and survive by himself . That's what your dad used to said he gonna be the best boy that will ever exist he will know how to took care of himself and his family " mom said to me with her eyes full of hatred . The one that I'm so so familiar already .

" If you really are good at keeping your family safe and took care of them why do you let your dad die Louis ?! "

She do this every day. Every single day after the tragedy happened . Its like a routine for me already , hearing this over and over again .What I heard and what I remembered is that after the tragedy happened , I've been living with my grandpapa and grandma . Grandma and Grandpapa has been there for me since the beginning . But once my Grandma passed away I was send back to Mom cause grandpapa have a very hard time handling the lost of her beloved wife. I understand . I'am not mad at him for sending me back to oh my so called home when all I ever felt there is pain  even tho the house is filled with all the human being I love . I visit grandpapa once in a while .

" Mom . You can't just say thing like that . He didn't do it on purpose ! He was still a kid when that happened ! He doesn't even remembered what entirely happened that day . You can't just blamed him like that his whole life !"

" Fizzy shut up ! I'm talking to your brother. Your father shouldn't have saved him . He should've let him die ! Now get out Louis ! I don't want to see your face any longer get out !"

And that's exactly what I do . Get out of there .  Waiting for my sisters in the car. I slammed the car door shut . Wiping away the tears that managed to escape . "Fuck why am I still alive " closing my eyes I hit my head a few time on the steering wheel trying to erase the pain away . " Louis you gotta be strong . For now . At least . "

I heard a lil knock on the window , a little warning my sister always gave me to indicate that they're going to climb inside the car now " Hey Lou . You okay ?" Fizzy asked while opening the door and climbing into the passengers seat .

" I'm alright fizz . Stop worrying about me " I gave her a small smile . I know she knows I've been crying . With the red eyes I'm spotting right now even the people from across the road can see that I've been crying .  " Lotts you didn't leave anything today right ? Cause I'm not gonna do a double trip again to pick up your stuff "

" Nope . All here . " she said while looking down at her phone . But when she looked up the smile plastered on her face falls " Have you been crying lou ? "

" No Lotts I'm alright you guys really should stop worrying about me . I'm okay "

We continue our drive in silence . With the only sound we can hear came from the radio.
" We're here .  Grandpapa would pick you guys up at 12pm alright ? Don't go anywhere until then . Be good ! . I'm gonna be back a little late at 2 likewise . So I'm gonna meet you guys at home . Y'all go first I'm gonna go park the car " .  Yeah we went to the same High School . This year gonna be my last year of High school and then I'm gonna graduate at the end of this year and hopefully I'm still gonna be here to do just that . Fizzy is a junior  while Lottie is still a Sophomore . I went out of the car to open the door for Lottie . Kissing her on the forehead . She ran to the school building seeing her friends waiting for her beside the school used to be water fountain with her hands up waving at me and sending me a flying kiss which I reciprocate with a genuine smile on my face . " I love you Lou . Remember that " fizz hugs me from behind . Giving me a kiss on the cheek and then heading out to her first class of the day . " I love you too Fizz . All of you . So much ."

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Author notes :
Hi! So if you're reading this Thank you !! That means you're giving this fic a chance ! Thank you so so much it means the world to me ! I know it's not that good since it is can be considered as my first fic but again thank you !! I hope you enjoy it !