Love or Law

Time to Think

I absolutely loved writing this chapter, hope you enjoy it!

Mulan strode away from where her friends stood. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. How could they doubt her, after everything they had been through together in training? Did they really think that she was a liability? That she could get them killed? Mulan didn't know what to think anymore. All of their doubts were suddenly piling on top of her and she found herself wondering if maybe they were right. Maybe there was some sign that she missed. A sign yelling loud and clear to everyone else that she couldn't be counted on. That she wasn't dependable. Mulan thought back to when she had been at home and realized that it was partly true.

Reaching the edge of camp, she automatically made her way to a grove of trees nearby. Her feet knowing the path she wanted to take while her mind remained completely oblivious to her surroundings.

Back home she was always saying the wrong things and doing the wrong things, and everyone knew to expect her to be at least five minutes late to anything. Why did she think that some military training could change that? Why did she think that she had suddenly become a better, more reliable person within a few months? Because she had finally found somewhere where she felt like she belonged?

Among the trees hung a few sacks full of straw and old scraps of cloth. Taking her stance before one, she drew back her fist and slammed it into the sack again and again and again.

Who was she kidding? How could she belong somewhere when she couldn't even really be herself? She was a young woman disguised as a young man training for a war against China's most dangerous and feared enemy. Was that who she truly was? Would she be willing to spend the rest of her life living like this?

No. She punctuated the answer with a kick at the bag and a war cry. Someday she wanted to go home, return to being a female, but would it be enough? Would she ever be as happy as she was these last few months? Could she live the life of a docile woman under the firm control of a man? A man who expected a calm, reliable wife who would always look to him for everything? Mulan already knew that answer.

As the bag swung back at her, she ducked under it and attacked the one beyond it then twisted to her right and set another bag swinging with a vicious right hook.

Who was she really? Where did she belong? In the world as a man or a woman? How could she expect her Captain or her friends to put their trust in her? How could she expect them to place their lives in her hands? She didn't even know who she was! She didn't even know whether she wanted to do this! To go to war for her country and risk everything; her life, her family's honor, her home, everything she ever knew. For what!?

She continued dancing among the swinging bags; hitting one, kicking another, diving sideways to avoid a third. Sweat threatened to drip into her eyes but still she continued.

Sure, she knew that at first it was to protect her father. She knew that, but why did she want to stay? Why didn't she take the opportunity Shang gave her and leave while she could? Her father would still be safe. His honor would still be intact. Why did she want to fight? Why did she want to be here? Why was she willing to continue to disguise herself? Why? Why? Why!?

With one last vicious kick, the rope holding the bag in the tree decided it couldn't take the strain any longer and broke with a snap. The bag fell to the dirt with a thump and Mulan finally collapsed next to it. She felt an awesome sense of exhilaration, seeing that bag laying utterly defeated beside her and that's when the answer hit her like a staff blow to the gut. It was so simple she could hardly believe it.

She enjoyed it. She enjoyed feeling strong and capable. For the first time in her life she felt that she could accomplish anything she set her mind to. She had been the one to climb the post and retrieve the arrow. She was the one who had punched Shang in the jaw and knocked him flat. She was the one who could wield a sword and a staff. She could even make her own fire and survive in the wilderness by herself for days at a time. She was the one that just knocked this bag to the dirt with a well-placed, powerful kick. Mulan had found this strong, powerful, capable, determined woman and she didn't want to let her go.

Now that Mulan had found the answer she was looking for, she knew what she was going to do. Nothing would keep her away from this war. Nothing would stop her from proving herself to her family, to her friends, to Captain Shang and to herself. She wouldn't allow her friends' doubts to stop her.

Speaking of which, what would cause her friends to doubt her? They hadn't known the person she had been in her father's house. They had only ever seen her training and proving herself to be as strong as they were. Then she thought back to what Ling had said.

He had brought up her age.

He had brought up her size.

He had questioned her ability to fight.

In that exact order.

The exact same points that Shang had told her in the same order that he had told her.

No, that couldn't be, could it? Would her Captain really stoop so low so as to order her friends to say those things to try and stop her from going? Now that she thought about it, why wouldn't he? What did he have to lose? In fact, it kind of made perfect sense in a weird way.

Well, if he really thought that would work he was in for one hell of a surprise. Game on.