Honey Ko - A Novel

Chapter Nineteen

The crucial moment lay before us, quivering with anticipation, awaiting resolution. I was anxious. I had to see Sasi again, but kept putting it off. We spoke in the morning before I left for the airfield, exchanging little more than pleasantries, and again in the evening when I returned. I think she waited for my return, hoping for some break in the dam between us. She always seemed on the verge of breaching the dam but stopped short, as if having second thoughts. The same happened to me and wrenched my heart each time I clammed up instead of baring my soul to her.

I had to do something, but what? What held me back from taking her in my arms and whispering how much I loved her? I couldn't leave Thailand without putting to the test my feelings for her. To leave without seeing her meant living the rest of my life wondering what might have been. For the first time since Susanna died, I was sure of my feelings for another woman, and I needed to tell Sasi. The question of Aida, however, remained unresolved as well. How could I tell Sasi of my love without also telling her of Aida?

But Aida was the problem. I was afraid of hurting her and afraid of finding out how much I loved her. I was also afraid I loved Sasi because she reminded me of Susanna. Fear was king over me. I feared commitment, and I feared loss.

Another night on the town was in full swing. I joined George and the others and headed for Whiskey A Go Go. We crossed Beach Road and continued as it turned into Walking Street at the south end of Pattaya. Here we left behind the pleasant ocean view and fresh air of the broad, palm-lined seaside promenade and entered the nightclub district. The change of smells was immediate as the fragrant sea breeze gave way to an aromatic mingling of cooking spices, fresh fish, cheap perfume, diesel fumes, and raw sewage.

A few minutes more brought us to Whiskey A Go Go. The heavy drumbeat of the live band assaulted our eardrums well before we reached the entrance, but the full force of the music didn't hit us until we entered. Like a tsunami, the sound filled the void outside the door, temporarily vaporizing the fine hairs of the inner ear and rendering us momentarily deaf. The screaming guitars and pounding drumbeat sent a thrill through my spine. The electric atmosphere stirred some primeval human emotion and forced a surge of adrenaline into the bloodstream. Successive bursts of energy found outlet in loud, excited voices, bodies bobbing on the dance floor, and smiles stretched so taut that the face ached. A thick pall of cigarette smoke obscured the band from view.

We found an empty table, thick with spilled beer and cigarette butts, and nabbed a chair from another table so everyone had a seat. I turned at the touch of a bikini-clad barmaid tapping my shoulder. She wanted my drink order.

"What?"

"I say what you want to drink?" The flickering lights caricatured the girl's face and movements into stop-motion animation.

"Tiger beer, please."

"What you say?"

I repeated my order, straining my vocal cords to be heard.

"Okay."

Another one yelled in my ear that Lek was in the back, and she would let her know I was there. I didn't tell her not to bother.

We eyed the dance floor and occasionally caught ourselves bobbing to the music. Normal speech was impossible. We could only look at each other and smile and raise our eyebrows. A few tables away sat a group of aircrewmen enjoying a rare night on the town.

The barmaid returned with the drinks and passed them around. George raised his glass in a toast. "Cheers, fellas." As he tilted his head back and guzzled the bottle, Lek walked up, wet her finger, and poked it in his ear. He jumped, and beer dribbled down his chin.