THE CALLING
"I freakingly so feel small."
Why? I just don't know why? I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to think. Why? Can't I just.... just... die? This instant? I just want to do not feel the pain anymore... I just want to get these freaking words that hunting me down get off the trail. I can't do this anymore.
"Stop thinking that way."
But I just can't get this out. It's sucking me. I just can't! I feel so small. I feel so useless. I feel like nothing. I'm so done with this life.
"I'm so sorry for being me."
I'm so sorry because I can't be the best. I'm so sorry because I can't be the one who you wanted me to be one. I'm so sorry because I'm not that good enough. I'm so sorry because I have nothing you can proud of. I'm so sorry because I'm me. I'm so sorry for being me.
"Don't be sorry for who you are, you're God's masterpiece. I made you."
I always bear in mind that I'm not weak either a cry baby. But I can't fake it anymore. I'm weak. I'm a cry baby. I'm fragile. I'm.... I'm... about to end everything.
"How to ease this pain? How to dry these tears? How to be brave without thinking anything? How can I get these words that sucking me alive out of my mid?"
How can I escape from this? How can I escape from this cruel reality? I'm so tired trying. I'm so tired enduring this pain. I'm so tired hiding from my shell. I'm just so tired about everything.
"You have me. You have God. Talk to Him, He'll listen. He'll heal you. He'll help you go out through your pain. He'll be there. I'm here. I won't leave you. Never."
But I'm tied up. I don't think I can escape again. I don't think I can go through this. I'm no longer willing to try. I'm tired.
"I always seek for Him. Talk to Him. Pray everyday. Begging. Crying. I know he knows everything. I just don't know what to do anymore."
I never get an answer.
"Talking to Him will ease the pain you're feeling right now. Seeking for his help, he's working on it. Praying everyday is a good sign that you believe and trust Him. You can cry, don't hide it. You can beg, don't be too hard of yourself. He knows everything. He is the truth and the way. He is the answer. Just wait. Don't rush everything because there's always be a perfect timing. "
I know he'll always be there. I know he'll protect me from harm. I know he can ease my pain. I know I can get through these. I know because I believe and always trust Him. That is my heart says. Hence, my mind saying differently.
"I'm so tired."
"You can rest.
"I'm in pain."
"I'll heal you."
"I feel so useless."
"You have purpose."
"I'm sorry for being me."
"Don't be sorry."
"I'm worthless."
"You're worthy."
"I can't be the best."
"You're the bestest."
"I'm failure."
"I made you."
"You never regret it?"
"Why would I regret, if you're the best thing I made."
I just closed my eyes and cry.
