1994 [h.s]

chapter nine

"You're always haunted by the idea you're wasting your life."

warning: this may be triggering, and if it is, please don't hesitate to skip over it. stay strong, I love you all so much. if you need anyone to talk to about your feelings, please message me and we can talk about it (:

Brielle: heey it's Brielle (:

Me: hii, we still on for tonight?

Brielle: definitely. make sure to wear something hot (;

Me: i don't really have anything to wear, i've never been to a club or anything :/

Brielle: how about this: i'll wait outside your house around ten, and then we'll go back to mine and get ready. I have some dresses you can choose from and i'll help you get ready

Me: okay then. see you in a couple hours

Brielle: see ya x

I look at the time and see that it's 6 o'clock, which gives me plenty of time to do my homework, eat dinner, and take a shower.

"How was school, sweetie?" My mom knocks on my door and opens it.

"It was fine." I shrug, tapping the mechanical pencil in my hand against my notebook.

"Your school called today." She raises her perfectly shaped eyebrows.

"Oh." My heart pounds against my chest.

"They told me to take you to a therapist, Grace. They said you have anxiety and it's getting in the way of your school work." She said firmly, her lips in a tight line."You need to get back into focus. Socializing is a part of your every day life and you can't run away from it. What are you going to do when you get a job, huh? You're seventeen for goodness sake, pull yourself together!"

I stay quiet and let the tears freely flow. She's only been yelling at me for only a minute or two, but I'm extremely sensitive and she knows that. I would never talk back to her or tell her what I really wanna say, despite how much I want to.

"I'm talking to you, Grace!" I flinch as her voice grows louder. I take a deep breath before responding, trying to relax my muscles.

"O-Okay." I stutter, hiding my face with my hair.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you!" She demands, and my head immediately snaps up to her fiery-filled eyes.

"A-Alright." I say, just wanting her to leave so that I can cry without her judgement.

"Is that all you have to say to me? Why are you crying?" She yells. Is she seriously getting mad at me because I have a mental disorder?

"I'm fine." I manage to say, and it doesn't seem good enough for her.

"No, you're not fine! I know you like to keep your feelings locked up and hidden, but that's not the way I am. Tell me why you're crying!" She throws a book off of my nightstand in anger.

"I'm fine." I say with more confidence, and she groans. She rolls her eyes before walking out of my room and slamming the door, leaving me with my deathly thoughts.

My anxiety is like the ticking of a time bomb, but the problem being is that you can't find the time bomb until you touch your numb fingers to your ice cold chest and realize that the bomb is your heart and the ticking is its beat. I can practically feel the walls of my structure cave in, my bones snapping one by one, my ribs collapsing inwards, because just watching myself drown in my own sorrows is depressing myself even more. I eye the razor blades underneath my lamp, but I snap out of when I remember how far I've come. i attempt to clear my mind by finishing my homework, but even that couldn't relax my forever-running thoughts.

I grab a pair of fluffy pajama pants, a plain long sleeve shirt, and fluffy socks, along with a towel before heading to the bathroom to take a shower. I set the temperature high, making sure the water is boiling. I stand in there a while with my constant thoughts and strong emotions.

I try so hard to be the girl that my mother wants, but it's never good enough. I cake my face in make up, I wear the clothes she wants, but it still isn't enough. My anxiety and depression will always be a part of me no matter how hard my mother tries to take it away. The fake girl that she wants me to be is killing the real me - the depressed girl with social problems.

I roughly scrub my skin, trying hard to get rid of this perfect girl but she's still standing here, mocking me in every way. My thoughts echo loudly in my head, taunting me as I bite my lip to suppress my sobs. After my pathetic crying session, I get out and put on my warm clothing.

I check the time, and it's nearly 9:15, which means Brielle wouldn't be here for another 45 minutes. I decide to skip dinner, wanting to avoid the tension with my parents. My mother most likely already called my father at work, crying to him and saying that I'm horrible and disrespectful. I carefully maneuver into my bed sheets, and decide on one thing - I'm going to have the time of my life tonight. No limits, no boundaries.

this was really emotional for me to write, tell me what you think? more is coming your way, especially in the next chapter, just sayinggg (; some surprise guest appearances might take place as well, so stay tuned hehe

ive been updating a lot lately because im currently in the hospital still and have been bored as hell so I figured I would update. btw, THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR 324 READS, YOURE ALL AMAZING ILY.

check out my other book, "fool's gold" which is about harry and halle who have been best friends since kindergarten, and start to fall for each other (: