NIRVANA | RENMIN

02: love

TRACK TWO: LOVE

[ five years ago ]

"i'll write you letters everyday! i promise!"

jaemin smiled sadly as the older chinese sniffled and tugged on his shirt sleeve.

"it takes weeks for a letter from seoul to get to the usa, you know." jaemin said, holding back a laugh.

"i..." renjun widened his mouth. "i-i don't care! i'll still write."

"for three hundred and sixty five days?" jaemin laughed.

"three hundred and sixty five days." renjun put his hands on his hips and smiled. "you'll get all of them. and i'll keep the ones in the last week! so we can read them together!!"

jaemin smiled. "hey, don't forget to text me too, yeah?"

"okay! i love you..."

but jaemin didn't hear the last three words, as an announcement from the airport manager drowned out renjun's voice. jaemin panicked slightly as he realised it was the call for his plane.

"b-bye junnie!! keep in touch!!"

and jaemin hugged renjun as tight as he could, and ran off.

"study hard..."

three hundred and sixty five days. everyday when renjun got home, he would pull out a notepad and write to jaemin. often including irrelevant polaroids and cute moomin stickers.

out of all the three hundred and sixty five days renjun wrote to jaemin, he received a total of twenty four replies.

the first week, no letters. of course, that was expected.

in the middle of the second week, renjun received his first reply. and the next day, and the next.

the third and the fourth week, renjun received a letter everyday.

but the replies were getting shorter and shorter. so in the middle of the fifth week, renjun stopped getting replies entirely.

all he received were short and curt one-word replies on kakaotalk. and after the first three months, jaemin's contact had sunk to the bottom of renjun's chat history.

his fingers would often hover on jaemin's name, typing a short "hello", "how have you been", "how are your studies going", "how's america?". but they all seemed insensitive and awkward.

so renjun's fingers always ended up tapping on the 'delete' button.

"i've been busy", "school assigned a lot of work". renjun missed even these simple words that made his phone light up at three in the morning, due to the time difference. he would rather see that, than a blank, black screen.

sometimes, renjun would lie on his bed and wonder. why did jaemin have to go to the usa and study psychology, of all things? korea had plenty of terrific psychology courses. but renjun told himself not to be selfish.

he still wrote letters to jaemin every afternoon. four pm everyday, when the sun was hanging in the blue sky, he would sit by the window, penning a short message to jaemin, sunlight filtering through the glass and lighting up his writing. he never missed a day.

and the last week, renjun didn't send the letters, as he'd promised. he kept them in a small drawer next to the table where he sat at everyday, writing his letters.

but when renjun's mother told him that he was moving back to china, his heart sank.

renjun wanted to see jaemin. he wanted to ask him how he'd been, how he'd been passing the time.

more than anything, renjun wanted to know if na jaemin still loved him.

but renjun couldn't do anything, as jaemin couldn't do anything when he left for the usa one year ago.

but he gathered his courage and sent a message to jaemin.

"i'm moving back to china."

when renjun sat in the car that day, his little brother, chenle, bouncing on the seat next to him, parents chatting amicably in the front seats, he had his earphones plugged in, music softly playing, matching the pouring rain outside the window.

until a notification ruptured the instrumentals.

lazily pulling out his phone, renjun assumed it was his best friend domghyuck, whining about him leaving korea, or sicheng, his cousin, spamming him about how excited he was to see him again.

renjun promised himself to never lose contact with donghyuck. unlike jaemin.

so his eyes widened when jaemin's name was displayed proudly across his screen.

back shooting up straight, renjun's heart pounded as he opened his chat with jaemin.

"hi renjunnie! long time no talk! i'm back in korea now ^^ missed you so much~ let's meet up at the park!"

renjun almost dropped his phone. did jaemin not see the part about him moving back to china?

renjun's eyes widened as he saw 'message not sent'.

well, that explained it.

as his father pulled up at the airport, renjun got out of the car, his hands shaking.

"hey ge, you okay? you look a bit pale." his brother, chenle, piped up.

"mm..." renjun mumbled.

"can you tell mama and baba i'm going to use the restroom for a while? i feel a bit sick."

"okay!"

and renjun bolted off.

shivering, he ran to the other end of the airport and flagged down a taxi.

"naksan park in dongdaemun, please."

renjun panted breathlessly as the taxi took off for his location. switching on his phone, he ignored the texts from his parents and chenle.

there was a huge jam in front of the airport. as they finally got out of the lane, renjun begun getting antsy.

"step on it, please!" he begged the driver.

"sir, it's raining... but if you wish." the driver sighed and zoomed on quicker.

the speedometer slowly began increasing and renjun stared as the clock ticked by. he was leaving his family behind, just for a boy.

in truth, renjun was so scared that jaemin would leave him again.

that was the last thing he thought as a scream filled his ears and his vision painted red.