Orphis Brown and the Stolen Crown

Prologue

It was a dark, gloomy night. Thunder boomed overhead. Inside the 'haunted house' that no person has ever dared to step in, was an very old man with crutches and rotting teeth. But his true identity was very much not a very old man with crutches and rotting teeth. No sir, not at all. Behind a layer of mist, the magical barrier that conceals magic from regular mortals, was a giant from deep down in the depths of Tartarus.

This particular giant was called Porphyrion, bane of Zeus. Since he couldn't easily defeat Zeus on his own, he started plotting revenge on his latest son Orphis. His plan was perfect! Zeus's downfall will be inevitable, and he shall take over the greatest throne of Olympus! Of course, he might need a new throne first. He suspected that his oversized bum wouldn't quite fit Zeus's current throne.

What was his plan exactly? At midnight, he would take a quick visit to Olympus with a simple concealment charm. Well, dear reader, you might say that doesn't sound so easy, and let me tell you. You are absolutely correct. When he walked in the halls of Olympus, Porphyrion's enormous hands were sweating so bad, he wondered if he'd be caught by the trail of sweat he'd left in his wake. He decided not to think about it and crept over to the throne room of Olympus.

The throne room was huge, but not for Porphyrion. Porphyrion was a giant, and therefore, the throne room was like the size of a tiny cottage bedroom. This won't do. Porphyrion thought, When I take over Olympus, I might need to do some home improvement first.

He made his way towards one of the two largest thrones. Hera's adamantine throne. The throne was sort of a cross between silver and diamonds. Porphyrion tried not to stare too much at it, but he had to admit it was indeed very beautiful. Hephaestus really was a great blacksmith.  Porphyrion thought maybe he could spare the blacksmith god, just so Hephaestus could build some cool toys for Porphyrion to play with. 

Porphyrion shook his head. He couldn't start making plans like this already. He didn't want to jinx his luck. Porphyrion proceeded to the thrones. The crown sat right in front of Hera's throne, unprotected and in clear sight. Maybe Hera thought anyone would be crazy to try to steal her crown. But Porphyrion was crazy, and here he was, about to steal Hera's crown to prove his craziness. Maybe if the gods caught him, they would write MENTAL in permanent marker.

He took the crown and ran for his life. On the way, he tripped over Apollo's throne, with a harp-shaped back, slipped on some spilled nectar, and slammed into the wall twice. He ran out of the throne room, hoping nobody heard him, but it was too late. From the closest apartment, Zeus's apartment, came a sound as if Zeus had accidentally rolled off his bed, followed by a lot of curse words in ancient Greek that I refuse to add in this story, partly because I do not understand ancient Greek.

Porphyrion tried to run as fast as he can without causing that much of a racket. He did poorly and kept stumbling over flower pots and tripping over stairs, but you can't blame him. He was way too big for the hallways of Olympus. Okay, Porphyrion really got to do some home improvement later on. The gods were just too puny compared to him. And the concealment charm apparently didn't work, but at least the gods were too sleepy to see who was on the act.

He ran over to a nearby cliff looked back behind him and saw half the Olympians closing in on him with frowny faces and pointy weapons. Zeus yelled, 'Stop, intruder!' 

Porphyrion sidestepped and Zeus went barreling off the side of Mount Olympus. The gods were yelling even louder now, and they sounded very, very angry. Porphyrion took a deep breath, took a running leap, and plummeted down Olympus with the dazed gods screaming even more curses in his wake.

--

Porphyrion was drunken with his success. He had won so easily! (except for the fact that he twisted his ankle after the jump.) But he did it! He had successfully stolen Hera's crown right out of the throne room. Now for the revenge on Zeus. He was pretty sure that Hera will blame Orphis Brown, son of Zeus for it. Hera hated children of Zeus that weren't hers, which was pretty much every child of Zeus. The only children that Zeus and Hera had had together is Ares and Hephaestus.

Porphyrion planned on hiding the crown in his safe, but then he remembered he tried to microwave some leftover spaghetti in the safe and accidentally locked it. Gods, that was embarrassing. He was made a laughing stock among the other giants for decades.

'No matter!' Porphyrion muttered to himself, 'I will keep it safe in my high-tech futuristic impossible obstacle course protected vault.' Porphyrion was pleased with himself for a few seconds, then apparently realized that a high-tech futuristic impossible obstacle course protected vault was in fact not invented yet. 'Curses!' he cursed.

He decided to just keep it safe under his bed, in the hotel he built in Las Vegas. Nobody will think about trying to find Hera's crown under my bed. This is an awesome plan!

As it turned out, it was a horrible plan, but giants are weird because they just are, and nobody could argue with that logic. Porphyrion tucked his new toy safely under his bed and stepped back to admire his work.

So after a hard night's work of stealing the crown, Porphyrion kicked back trying to ignore the pain of his broken ankle and enjoyed his life for a few hours. He even played some video games, but he sucked at it because his hands were just too big for the controller. He eventually went to sleep, dreaming about stealing crowns and all that stuff that evil giants usually dream of. Little did he know, that he had a horrible fate in store for him...