Are You Having A Good Time, Sweetheart?

Chapter Twenty: Sunshine Boy

Of course Isobel had come up to talk to Alex. After all of that, how could she not?
Alex by now was sitting on his bed, treating the wound he'd given himself with the pencil.
He didn't look up when she came in. He didn't care to. He hated himself.
She noticed his untouched food, then sat down next to him, putting her arm around him. He laid his head on his mom's shoulder, tearing up all over again. Sometimes all you needed was a hug from your mom, and he'd been avoiding doing that. He hated hurting her.

"I talked to your doctor" She said, pushing the first aid kit away, then wrapping her arms around her son tightly.
Alex sniffled and buried his face in her shoulder, his arms around her, essentially clinging onto her for dear life. If he wasn't going to live for himself, he'd live for his mom and his dad, who'd already lost one son.
"I have to be honest with you, my sweet boy. From now on, until your doctor thinks otherwise, I need to watch you take your medication and make sure you've swallowed it." She rubbed his back.
Her calling him her sweet boy only made the guilt that was eating him alive worse. He clung onto her and didn't try to stop himself from crying. He'd done a lot of that recently.
Isobel held onto him tighter, resting her head on his and rubbing his back, "Shhh...Sweetheart, it's okay...I love you so, so much. You're my sunshine boy. Do you remember when I called you that?" She asked quietly, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.
Alex nodded, trying to control his tears, to keep himself as silent as possible. He didn't feel sunshiny at all.
"Do you know why I called you that?"
Alex shook his head.
"I called you that because no matter what, you smiled. I'm sure you smiled even when it hurt to. You've always been anxious and nervous, Alex. Ever since you were born, you were just a fidgety, anxious little boy, but you were also a little boy who found enjoyment in things. You found the happiness when there was darkness. You've always found a way to smile. You've always been my personal ray of sunshine. Whether or not you feel that right now, I promise you that I feel it all the time. You are my entire soul, Alexander William. Don't you ever, ever forget that. You are my entire heart, and my entire soul. You always have been, and you always will be. I know that's hard for you to understand sometimes, and I know that life has handed you some pretty bad cards to deal with, but you've always made it out, even if you had to drag yourself out. You always have. There's a reason for that. Maybe we'll never know what that reason is, but always know that I love you more than anything else in the world. I love you more than I could ever describe in words. I am so proud of you, and so happy that you're my son. My only boy." She said softly. Alex's other three siblings were only Isobel's step children from Peter's first marriage. Alex was her only son.
She moved one hand up to run her fingers through his hair. That had always calmed him as a baby, as a little boy, and apparently, even now. She'd noticed Alex sniffling a bit less once she'd started doing that. So she kept doing it. She'd sit here all night, holding her son and running her fingers through his hair if that's what he needed her to do.
"Come on, sweetheart. Lie down." She instructed him. Alex complied and laid down, still not letting go of his mom.
Isobel laid down next to him, face to face with him. She pulled him in close again. He hid his face in her shoulder again and sniffled some more, trying to compose himself while she continued playing with his hair.
"Momma." He whispered, so exhausted, so drained, and so sorry. He always sounded a bit British when he said 'Momma', that's when his little accent poked out just the tiniest bit.
Isobel smiled a tiny bit. Alex only called her momma when he really needed her.
"I'm here baby, close your eyes." She whispered.

"I'm so sorry mom." He looked up at her. "Please don't give up on me. I'll get better. I'll do better." He tried to sound convincing. He failed. He wasn't convinced that he would ever change.
Isobel kissed his forehead, then nudged his face back down into her shoulder and carried on playing with his hair.
"Don't you ever apologize for being you, Alexander. You are my entire reason for being, even when things aren't perfect. You will never, ever let me down." She whispered back at him.
"Go to sleep, my beautiful baby." She'd never look at him as anything other than her baby. He'd be her baby even when he was forty.
"Don't leave momma." He closed his eyes.
"I won't, I promise you." She awkwardly pulled the blanket up over him while still doing her best to hold onto him. She tucked it around him, knowing how much he liked to be bundled up. She adjusted herself a little bit to be more comfortable, then went right back to rubbing her son's head.
She stayed quiet while she did so, hoping he'd fall asleep and get some rest. She could see it all in his face. Nothing had changed since the hospital. He was still pale, sickly looking, bags under his eyes all dark blue, little to no life in his eyes, and what emotion he did have was resentment towards himself, and guilt for what he'd done. She knew her son well.

Alex's alarm clock blared the next morning. Isobel quickly shut it off, she was trying to give Alex more time to rest, but the alarm had already woken him up.
He didn't move though. He still needed his mom.
"You don't have to go back to school today." She whispered.
Alex shook his head, "I do. I can't hide forever." He sat up a tiny bit.
Isobel kissed his head, "Okay. Can I make you breakfast while you get dressed?" 
Alex nodded.
Isobel kissed his head again, then got herself up and downstairs to cook him something that he'd hopefully eat.
Alex looked around his room, assessing the damage he'd done. The pencil with blood on the end was still on the floor, and his stool was still tipped over. Thankfully he didn't put a hole in the wall, and he hadn't broken it.
He didn't care about his hair today. The first thing he did was put a beanie on his head. It was warm today. He still couldn't show himself though. He didn't know if he'd ever wear anything but long sleeves and dark clothes.
As per usual, he got himself dressed in a long sleeved dark green shirt, a pair of dark navy jeans, and his shoes. At least he didn't wear a jacket today.
He went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and put deodorant on. He didn't bother with cologne. He didn't care. 

He grabbed his wallet off the top of his dresser and shoved it into his pocket. Then he took his book bag and slung it over his shoulder. 
He looked down the stairs from his open door and his stomach sank. He didn't want to do this.
He had to.
Silently, he went down and sat at the table, where his mom had put a small plate of scrambled eggs and toast with his favorite grape jam.
He picked at it, trying to eat as much of it as he could. He ate about half, then looked at Isobel, hoping she wouldn't be mad at him. She gave him a soft smile.
"Have a good day today baby." She kissed his cheek and took his plate away.

Alex nodded, his face entirely lackluster of anything that resembled life. He felt dead inside. A shell.
He got up, grabbed his keys and headed out the door.
Could he really do this?