30 for Nothing

Journal Entry # 1

Friday 2-16-2018 5:44pm

Gina Hazel. What a random person to provide inspiration to finally open this journal and explore my thoughts on paper. I've carried this journal in my work shoulder-bag for months now, intimidated by the idea of confronting my own mind with honesty. 

I purchased the journal before the end of 2017. The purchase was part of my recent campaign to reach inside myself to find better inspiration for success. I would be entering my last year of my twenties, and my priorities as I near thirty years old would be to catch a wave of professional and spiritual success to ride into the next chapter of life. In my twenties, I met the girl I would marry, bought a ring, bought a house, and paid for a wedding.  I have absorbed the frustrations of getting a business off the ground, and worked together with my teammate/soulmate to make ends meet as we embark on our life together.  As I approached the end of my twenties with a firm foundation for life under my feet, I readied myself to reach for the opportunities my thirties would bring: having a family, expanding my business, and other responsibilities. Through my self-help reading and study, I determined writing in a journal would be a fruitful exercise to examine my thoughts and reflect on my progress. 

In addition to journaling, I adopted other habits suggested to me by various Tony Robbins-esq gurus. I was training my mind to expect positive results through visualization exercises. I committed to self-appreciation exercises like staring at myself in a mirror and thanking myself for a good day and progress toward my goals. I would  literally look myself in the eye and talk to the mirror like a crazy person. Believe it or not, all of these habits were working great. I suppose the idea is that facing yourself in this type of way creates self-accountability - If you did nothing throughout the day, and then have stare at yourself and appreciate what you've accomplished, it can create significant cognitive dissonance. Instead, my days were at the very least minimally productive, that way ,I had something to acknowledge in the mirror at night.

As I pursued these novel exercises to gain command of my life, the journal was never opened. It went everywhere with me, however I had never overcome the mental block of opening it. Perhaps the reason is because when you write in a journal, you are actually forced to look inward with well thought-out context. The responsibility to be honest in a journal serious; more serious than a few inspirational words to yourself in a mirror. The journal is a written record and memorialization of your state of mind. If you lie to your journal, it is there for you to see, forever.

My campaign toward thirty-year-old greatness was actually manifesting in new opportunities at work. If I could keep up the momentum, my business would grow to the point where Maria could stop working and we could try for a baby later this year. As long as the other exercises were effective in keeping me focused on business, there would be no need to look inward at myself personally. It seemed that I could achieve professional success, and provide Maria with an opportunity to leave her current job to become a mother - something she always wanted - without having to jot my thoughts down in a stupid journal. 

Anyway, this journal went everywhere with me for months. I didn't forget about it, I just didnt need it.

Then, 10 days ago, the sky came crashing down on top of me.

My momentum with exercises and habits was blown to bits, and I was left grasping for anything at all that could ground me. The universe led me to Gina Hazel - the sweetest most angelic girl of all time. I had known her my whole life but had never been too close. Our paths crossed earlier tonight with the energy of two unstable radioactive electrons circling a nucleus of suburban monotony.

Gina has had a rough go of life in her 28 years. She is a divorced middle school English teacher with a heart of gold and a writers mind. Gina has been surrounded by death, addiction, and struggle since we were teenagers, but she remains as strong as she is sweet. For that, I felt I owed it to Gina - and the universe - to open this journal and begin writing...