Out of Fucks

Today I had to pretend to give a single fuck about Kassidy and her new Pilates instructor. I honestly hate Kassidy, but I told my husband I would make at least one friend. She's honestly awful. Her thick southern belle accent makes me want to launch myself off of a building. I moved away from the south to get away from their bullshit. Now my husband has taken me away from beautiful Colorado to a small town in South Carolina. At least it wasn't my shithole of a hometown.
After I left Kassidy's house I got home and walked in to see my twenty year old son, August, attempting to do laundry. Dumbass forgot to put detergent and used soap instead. He was home for the weekend. I'm surprised he took a break from his stupid frat. I can't stand going to his events because I had to listen to his walking yeast infection friends call me a milf.
I fixed my moron of a son's laundry and proceeded to scald my sixteen year old, Louise for pulling yet another prank on their teacher. I got a call about Louise at least once a week. Honestly the shit she does is hilarious, but I'm sick and tired of having to deal with that puckered asshole of a principal.
Finally, I got into bed with my husband George and attempted to enjoy the vanilla sex we have.
Anyway. My name is Gretchen Wilde. I'm forty years old, have my tubes tied, miss legal weed, and I am out of fucks to give. You think this shit is some lame "Mom gets her groove back story?" Think again fucker cause this shit is going to get real. I'm talking about there's a good chance I'm going to bang a super hot elf. Keep reading for the time of your fucking life.