People, it is not a love story… I need to write it down, my feelings, thoughts and emotions. Nakakagaan kasi sa pakiramdam. I cannot share all of it to my friends, even in my family, unang word pa nga lang naiiyak na ako. I don’t want them to see me crying. Kaya dito ko nalang nilalabas, my dying sentiments…
--- SGlane
I heard my phone is ringing, it's time to go back to reality. I bite my lower lip when I saw his name flash in the screen of my phone. My sight becomes blurry. It's my husband who's calling. Yes, I am married after two years in misery. Before him, I had two relationships. Happy but end in an unpleasant way it is all because of me. Comparing them to my first, I want them to be like him so that I can able to love them. My husband's different from the two. I'd never seen him like my first, I love him from what he is. I am just 19 years of age when we got married, August 09, 2014. One of my reasons of marrying him was to experience being a married woman, a wife and a mother, taking care of them and their needs before I go with him.
I was 17 years old then when I was diagnosed of gastric cancer. My family, friends are not aware of it. Just selected friends and my doctor knows about my illness. May, 2013 was my scheduled operation. I didn’t take my 2nd year summer class for it. Kung dati ay gusto ko ng mamatay at makasama ang lalaking mahal na mahal ko pero na realize ko na gusto ko pang mabuhay ng matagal. I want to live for him, for my family, for my friends and for myself.
All my hospital expenses are taken cared off by my loving doctor. I am very thankful I met her, I owe her my life. At the day of my operation, I am aware that just a little chance to survive, I am too weak for the operation. My doctor suggest the chemotherapy, but heck! I would rather die than seeing my precious hair slowly disappearing. While they're performing the operation. I suddenly feel dizzy, maybe because the morphine or any drug that make me sleep. I heard different sounds, voices and sobs. I don’t know what's going on and I don’t care. As I close my eyes, my cries starting to fall and everything went blank.
"I can't live without you…" that's the last words I said to my first, that was I thought… I am still here, alive and kicking but dying with an illness. There is a saying that all things happen for a reason, pero bakit parang sobra-sobra naman na ata itong nararanasan ko. May rason pa bang masasabi sa sakit at hapdi nito? Pagsubok? Bakit ko kailangang pag-daanan ito? I am not a bad person, I did mistakes and sin but all of us are not perfect, wed do mistakes.
I survived in the operation, unconscious for three days. Since then, I believe in miracle. I couldn’t say a word to described how happy I am but deep inside I am scared what if next time I wouldn’t?. I became paranoid and full of fear that one day I wasn’t able to wake up. I am not afraid to die but to die not bidding my goodbye to them. I am not yet ready to go knowing that it will cause them so much pain of my lost. I don’t want to see them suffer because of me. Ako na lang ang magdusa, siguro magiging manhid na ako sa sobrang sakit. My heart ripped and torn into pieces when I remembered my second, my sweetheart. He was there, staying beside me and accompanying me while I am in the hell suite. I love him but it's not enough to make our relationship goes on.
