That Day On The Beach

This Is My Life

Looking out of the window, I stared at the tree where I'd seen the sparrow build her nest a few days ago. She now had two young ones to feed and care for. She came to feed her offsprings and went off again in search of food. That was how I knew she was the mother.

The father was nowhere to be seen, as usual.

I admired her efforts for long. While I was playing with the pencil in my hand,  my mind slowly drifted away from the classroom, the people in it. Everyone's voice became just a faint humming sound in the background.

I was finally brought back to reality by our tired-looking Trig teacher Mr.Wilson shouting, "Hey you!".

The pencil dropped from my hand. Almost instinctively I responded to those words, knowing full well that he would have used a specific name for all students except me.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir" I said without feeling or looking sorry at all. I was rather feeling a bit mad at him for drawing attention to me as everybody in the class turned to look at me with a scowl on their face.

I'd gotten an A in yesterday's test, couldn't he just leave me alone considering that?

"It's okay Miss...er...", he hesitated, closing his eyes in concentration. Yeah, concentration to remember my name.

"Miss Carnell, sir." I reminded him for the hundredth time.

It wasn't his fault though, he was new to this school. How would he know my name when he hadn't even heard it being called out aloud in four months.

Now, you must be thinking that I'm a new girl to the school, shying away from everything, uncomfortable with everyone, having no friends, etc.

But that's not the truth at all.

In fact I have been studying in this school since kindergarten, I know most of the students, teachers as well, and they know me. Why then, does everyone seem to ignore me?

The truth is very simple: I am purely evil. The cold indifference I receive from people who were once closest to me is a proof of it. The lopsided scar right under my right eye makes me even more villianish to look at. Besides, everyone knows everything. In these few months I have become quite famous in a way nobody would want to be. In these few months I have adjusted myself to this indifference, and now I even crave for it, for everyone to just ignore me.

The day at school was too long for me, like most days. Yet, like most days, I somehow managed to drag my mentally and physically tired self through the torture.

When the last class ended I rushed through the door before everyone, got into my car and was on my way towards home before the other students could even come out of the locker room.

While driving, I tried my best not to look at the rearview mirror. I tried but couldn't, it had become a habit. A habit I hate.
Every time I looked into the mirror,my eyes would automatically move towards that scar. Although that was not the only thing wrong with my face.

Parking the car along a mostly deserted road, I turned my face to the mirror.

There were dark circles under my eyes , which seemed struggling to keep themselves open. My short hair was combed hurriedly and has become a mess from the time I reached school.

A random person would probably guess I had spent last night binge watching all episodes of Stranger Things, which, although I loved watching it once, I had to discontinue one month ago due to the effects it had on my annoyingly over-thinking mind. Besides mom always got worried when--

I suddenly looked at my watch, 20 minutes had passed already.

"Shit shit shit" I muttered.

I drove at the highest speed possible, ignoring the fact that I could get a ticket any moment for that, and reached home in 10 minutes.

Sure enough, mom was already standing at the porch, probably debating in her head whether she should set out to look for me. She burned me with her eagle-eyed glare as I stepped out of the car.

"Where have you been?", she asked in an accusing tone, blocking my way.

I sighed and stepped past her to enter the house.

Finally, relief.

She followed me, with her never-ending fountain of questions--
"Where have you been Rachel? It shouldn't have taken so long"-- "Are you okay?"--"Did anything happen on the way back? Do you know how worried I was!"

I dropped my bag on the sofa and sighed. "Mom, there's nothing to be worried about. I'm OKAY."

"Then what took you so long?", she demanded, arms crossed over her chest.

It took me only three seconds to frame a lie.

"We are having a group activity on Physics next week, Mr.Brown wanted to discuss about it."

The fact that I was a good liar didn't make her believe my good lies though. She remained unconvinced.

"Rachel, you don't look very well...are you sure everything's alright?," she asked, biting her lower lip the way she did when she was tensed.

"I don't look very well do I?", I asked mockingly, I could never keep my cool when she got anxious about me.
I was so comfortable with the indifference. Why couldn't she just show that instead of this suffocating concern?

"Mom I'm sure you have noticed that this is not the first day that I'm not looking very well?"

"Baby, calm down, I didn't mean it in --"

Turning away from her I went upstairs into my room. I couldn't bear the look of constant worry on her face.Often the look of worry resembles that of sympathy, and I hate sympathy more than anything.

Couldn't everything just be normal as it was a few months ago? Mom was accustomed to seeing me in that life, which she regarded as normal. But things have changed, everything has changed. Why couldn't she accept the fact that this was my new 'normal' like I have?

Or have I really?