I've loved you for forever

Worth it

The next morning
Olivia's POV
10:00 a.m.
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  I wake and see Elliot is still sleeping I can't stop thinking about our kiss. It was mesmerizing. These last couple of weeks have been like a roller coaster. From finding Ive had a miscarriage to just last night when we had our special night together. I wonder what's planned for us. Does he want to be long term for me or is it just going to be a short term situation. I can't think about that to much right now I don't want to ruin what I'm feeling in this moment, a slither of happiness.Today I've woken up and i don't feel as bad as yesterday and I know that's because of him, no I'm not completely okay and I don't know when I will be but today is better than yesterday and that's a start. I look at Elliot he looks like he's starting to wake up. He stretches turns to me an says with a huge smile on his face "Good morning beautiful" I look at him blush and say "Good Morning" he sits up straight next to me wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into a hug. He says "How are you this morning" I reply with no hesitation "good thanks to you" He looks at me with a surprised yet happy face and says "you don't know how happy it makes me to hear you say that." We stare into one another's eyes and it happens again. We kissed. This time I pull back and he says "liv can I ask you something" I reply "totally" he says "I definitely don't want to pressure you and it's okay if you're not ready for this conversation but what's going on between us, what exactly are we?" Before I answer I take time and think about what he's saying I know this is not meant to be a negative conversation but I don't exactly know how to answer
What if what I want is not what wants and I definitely don't want any miscommunication or to hurt him again. I say "Elliot I want this to be a real conversation between us. I don't want anything to feel rushed. Right now i am enjoying being here with you and I don't want any miscommunication between us so I want to say I like where I am with you right and that's not to say I don't see us going further but right I need to get better and focus on now how to move forward. Okay?" He looks at me and smiles an says "of course liv right now is about getting you back where you need to be. So when ever you're ready for that conversation I'll be here still" I look at him nod my head yes and  think, I've never felt so welcomed and taken care of. I see he gets out of bed and starts grabbing his work clothes from out the dresser I say "where are you going? it's Saturday Cragen shouldn't need you" he replies "well I missed the last couple of days so Cragen called me before bed last night and said I owe him some paperwork" he sees that my facial expression has changed i can't hide the fact that I'm scared to be alone with myself and my thoughts he immediately tries to reassure me by saying "liv don't worry I'll be as fast as I can I should be home no later that 5 or 6 o'clock okay? Do you think you can manage being her alone?" I give him a fake smile and nod yes. He brushes his teeth washes his face says he goodbye and leaves. Now I'm here alone something I was hoping to avoid for awhile.

Three hours later
Olivia's POV
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  God this can't get any worse. I've made myself dependent on Elliot now I can't stand the loneliness of this house. I decided that as desperate as it sounds I'll go to the precinct it can't be worse than my thoughts telling me 'this is all your fault' and that 'I can't do anything right.'

At the precinct
Elliots POV
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  As I'm about to get up to get some coffee I see liv walking into the building and I'm surprised to see her here. I walk up to her and say "liv what are you doing here? Why aren't you at home? You know I told Cragen you were terribly sick what if he comes and see's you" I'm looking at her and she doesn't seem to care or comprehend what I'm saying. She replies "it's fine el I couldn't be home alone with myself it's to much. And sadly I've made myself reliant on you so now I feel worse when your gone."
I look her and I'm seeing a different liv again different from this morning. In the three hours I was gone she has found a way back into that broken mind set. I grab her hand and take her upstairs to where the cots (small beds) are, we sit down and I ask her "liv tell me what you think about when you're alone" she looks at me and nods her head no. I take both her hands in mine an say "liv please, the fact that you can't even be alone with yourself is a huge problem. You cannot let this tragedy ruin you or your life. Please tell me maybe it will make you feel better" she looks at me, sniffles and says "When I'm alone all I think about is how worthless I am. How I can't do anything right. I can't stop thinking about what I lost. Sometimes it gets to a point where I question if it's worth even still being here" after that sentence she stops speaking. I am so sad by what I've just heard how could she question being here and how could she think she's worthless, i reply "being where liv? Do you mean on earth because liv that's ridiculous do you know how much you mean to people? To me? I don't know what I'd do if I lost you and liv I never want to hear you say you're worthless because you are worth every thing. You deserve so much. You have to break out of this idea that it was your fault. You had no control over this situation liv and if I have to reassure you of this everyday I will because I love you and you're absolutely worth it to me" she looks glances at me with tears in her eyes and says "el you don't know how grateful I am to have you be with in this situation and I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have your support and I love you too." With that being said we hug and walk back downstairs. Thankfully Cragen is not back yet I quickly walk over to finn and beg him to cover for me while I'll be leaving to be with liv. He says "of course I'll cover for you Elliot but what's going on with liv I thought she had a flu" I look at him and say "it's a bit more intense than that but she'll be fine and thanks by the way" "no problem" he replies back.

On the way home we got some food and some movies to watch. Later on into the night liv has fallen asleep on my chest while watching the movie and I have that feeling again. Like I could be in this position forever.

A/N: that's the end of this chapter. Hope you all enjoyed and follow me on Instagram @benslersince99 for more Bensler content. Thank you