Unexpected

The Beginning

So, lets just start when everything bad started happening.
Summer of 2019——-
I had just moved into an apartment on my parents property, I had just graduated (barley) and decided I wanted to start having fun; you see, my parents were suffocating. I know every teenager says that, that their parents are literally the worst in the world, but man did my parents exceed that.
Let's just say I never did anything without my mom being right there, and I think every teenager understands how much it sucks to have a chaperone.
Anyways, I had a very small group of friends, no they were not the best people but I try to see the best in everyone. (And they bought me alcohol.)
There was a girl I was best friends with and her name was Celeste, and she was about a year younger than me.
She had a very toxic boyfriend who never really treated her right, he was also her baby daddy, but we wont get into that right now.
Well it was a Saturday night and I had gotten home from work so I texted her and asked her to go out, no of course my parents didn't know because I was having to sneak out, which at the time was not hard at all, I just had to get out of the apartment and over the back fence without any of our dogs barking and I was home free till about 6am.
Anyways, Celeste had told me that she wasn't in town, but she would be back later on.
So this is where it gets fuzzy, I had went out without her and ended up at the lake, which was about 4 miles from my house. I remember I was there with a group of guys and we were drinking, there was about 5 of them and we were having a good time I guess, I don't really remember a lot. But from what I do remember I walked away for 5 minutes to go to the bathroom and I guess I had left my drink. I came back and chugged the rest of it, and things started spinning, I just kinda figured I was drunk. I couldn't walk, everything was spinning and I was being carried somewhere.
From this point on I remember everything very clearly.
I was dropped on a cold hard ground, and rolled onto my stomach.
They took off each piece of clothing, almost ripping it. I felt helpless, I couldn't move because someone was holding my down by my neck. I saw a very bright light switch on and a wrapper hit the ground, and I knew what was going to happen.
Each one took advantage of me, and they were not exactly gentle, each thrust harder than the last, I was constantly told that I deserved this. I was asking for it. I was tied down so I wasn't able to move,
I don't know why I didn't scream.
After what seemed like hours, my legs were numb, my head was pounding, but they were done with me.
One leaned down and whispered "nobody will ever love a girl like you"
And just like that they all walked out.
I just layed there, baffled at what had just happened.
I eventually tried to get up, and got what had tied me down, off.
Everything hurt.
I could still barley walk, but I got up and walked out, I walked 4 miles back home.
All I could think was nobody can know, I cant tell anyone that this happened.
If I even said anything what would happen? They would think I was crazy, because I didn't even remember who I was with. Names, faces, nothing.
I had got home and called my best friend Wesley, he was an ex that I occasionally had a fling with, toxic I know but he was what I had.
I called him and told him what had happened and I don't really remember all that was said, but the next day he had called to check on me and had told me that he could tell I had to have been drugged, I had been speaking in a mono toned voice, and some of my words were just uncomprehendable.
The next day I stayed in bed, I didn't move or talk. I just layed there staring at my ceiling.
That evening my friend Celeste called me, and I explained to her what had happened, even though I didn't want to.
She didn't even know what to say, both of us just broke down.
A little bit later that night I had pulled out a bottle of my anti depressants, I had not delt with this monster in a long time. I struggled with depression all through my childhood, and experimented with self harm throughout high school, including popping pills, eating disorder, you name it. This was going to be the 10th time I attempted to take my life.
I was used up, broken, worthless.
I dumped out a bunch of pills on my counter and had everything set, and then Celeste called me again.
I figured well, this will be the last time I get to talk to her, might as well answer so I did, and immediately she could tell something was wrong, just by the way I was talking or acting. I kept trying to hang up and she kept saying no, that if I did she would call my parents and wake them up.
She figured out what I was trying to do and stayed on the phone with me for hours talking me out of it.
I eventually fell asleep on the phone with her. 
The next day I had to act like I was okay, I had work so I couldn't act like anything was wrong.
After a full day of acting, with nobody noticing, I went home.
Celeste called me around 9:30 that night and told me to get dressed, that I was going to sneak out and go with her and drink.
Reluctantly I got dressed and snuck out, we went to the house she was staying at and it was her, I and two guys, one of them being her boyfriend.
We drank, I drank like I never had before. I was a light weight but I was drinking like an alcoholic, I usually mix drinks even now. But that night I was drinking whiskey and tequila straight like it was nothing.
Shot after Shot I went further down the rabbit hole, next thing I know Wesley was calling me worried because I wasn't answering his texts.
Tristan, one of the  guys at the house answered my phone and talked to him, I heard Wesley asking where i was and being really rude to Tristan, i mean he was worried and I don't blame him, eventually Tristan Andes me the phone and my drunken self told him i was having the time of my life, and began explaining how much i had drank and ho fuzzy i felt.
He laughed and told me he was glad I was having a good time, that i needed it, he told me to hand the phone back to Tristan and told him that he needed to make sure i was okay, and to watch over me that night.
And Tristan decided to take that a lot further than it was meant.
Celeste was sitting on the couch with her boyfriend passed out on her lap, completely drunk and high.
Tristan was the only sober one that night.
I was sitting on the floor watching tv getting ready to pass out, so Celeste told me to go lay down and sleep it off before i went home, so i went and layed down in one of the bedrooms.
Next thing i know Tristan was crawling into bed with me, he started talking to me about life and stuff like that.
I had known Tristan since i was in 6th grade, and i always had a huge crush on him, so you would think having him in the same bed with me would be a dream come true.
Not even close.
With recent events i was a bit uncomfortable, even being drunk.
He started a pillow fight i guess to try to get me to ease up, i finally gave in and started to have a bit of fun.
Somehow he ended up on top of me, and he stopped, he leaned down and started kissing on my neck, I told him that I wasn't comfortable and I wanted him to stop.
He knew about what had happened, he knew that I had been raped just a few nights before, because Celeste told him.
He Fucking knew.
I tried to struggle to get away but he was stronger then I thought.
He whispered to me "let me help you forget, I just want to make you forget"
I begged him to stop, but he didn't.
Finally I just froze.
It was happening again, why did I let this happen again, how did this happen.
Why am I so stupid?
Maybe I did deserve it, maybe this was my punishment for trying to drown myself in liquor, or being stupid enough to let this happen. Not once but twice...
I just stopped and let it happen, I gave up.
I shouldn't have gave up.
I should have fought until I couldn't anymore but I didnt.
I just gave up.
After it was over, I stumbled over and got dressed, walked out of the room and told celeste to take me home.
On the car ride home she asked me why I was so quiet but I didn't reply.
I just stayed silent until we pulled up to the road where she would drop me off, as I got out of the car, I turned to her and said, "Tristan raped me" closed the door and walked to where I jumped my fence.
No call, no text, no questions or wanting an explanation.
She just drove away.
We didn't talk for about 2 weeks, most nights I stayed home.
Drowned myself in alcohol, popped pills.
I had never self harmed more, I had cuts and scars going all up and down my legs. But nobody saw any of them because long pants were my best friend at the time.
The thoughts that went threw my head were haunting,
"you deserved this for being stupid"
"You let this happen to yourself"
"You were asking for it"
"You went and got drunk and now your worthless"
But of course I had to act like I was okay.
I had to act like every time someone touched me I didn't feel those hands around my throat.
I had to act like I wasnt scared of every male figure that got near me.
Or any time that a guy tried to talk to me didn't completely terrify me so badly that I could barley speak.
No.
I couldn't act broken, so I'd paint on a fake smile, pop a few anti depressants and act like my world wasn't crashing down around me.