and i'm too lazy for italics bc tumblr ignores formatting like that i do in Docs so sorry
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WARNINGS: Swearing, distressing topics, hella lotta angst and sadness
WORD COUNT: 16.5k words (WOWZAS!!!)
SONG: Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie
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"Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end. If not always in the ways we expect."
- Luna Lovegood
*
"You can only actually help someone who wants to be helped."
- Jojo Moyes,
+
It smelled of metal and disinfectant around me, but I tried to drown it out with the images I scroll through. The electronic beeping wormed its way into my thoughts, but I welcomed the respite from the chaos toiling around in there. Images of friends and casual strangers litter my Instagram feed and instead of looking away when the dinging stops, I continue, distracting myself. That in itself seems to be my job for the last few weeks, owned by the number one job of not thinking about it. It's followed by another important task of not crying in public, and saving it for at home despite the place owning that name changing recently. I've failed at all of those jobs the second I think about the person who I called my home for so long now, and can't any longer.
The new smell is what gets me at first, and immediately, the pictures are forgotten. I know before I look up that the facade is broken. Then, everything is shattered within a few moments, no matter how good I've gotten at ignoring him, or pushing down the feelings when I see him across the table at a team meeting. I've gotten good at the pretending part, but the only person I've never been able to do that around is the very one who accompanies me on the elevator now. My bad luck echoes when I finally chance a glance and I leave it for too long, because then he looks up and meets my eyes.
