you love your mother but she really does drive you crazy.
it's not about healing or letting go. she hasn't done anything wrong. not when she pulled your face close to hers and spit selfish into your brain. not when she told you to stop feeling things, told you that you craved attention to the extent you'd fake ill for sympathy. not when she asked you if you loved her, if you were like those people.
she hasn't done anything wrong. in a way you understand, she's grown up this way. it's only right that she raises you the only way she knows how to.
you've seen her bite her fingers into her palm, seen her curl over with rage, seen her spout terrifying, apathetic words with not a semblance of regret. she says she wont apologize, because she hasn't done anything wrong.
she hasn't, not truly. not fundamentally.
you havent either, though. craving the same respect you were asked to give is not a terrible thing to yearn for, asking her to consider your feelings is not a terrible thing to ask for, telling her she was hurting you isnt a terrible thing to tell her. if she wasnt wrong, you weren't either. neither of you are wrong. i dont understand how it works yet. neither of you are wrong, you are both but in pain.
i dont understand this either.
all i know is this, she made you her life, took you into her palm and held you there. now you're growing up, you're pulling away from that place to find a place of your own.
growth is a scary thing, not for just one person. this entire ordeal of growing up, having children and watching them grow up and away from you is not completely faultless. you'll forever fall in the same cycle and you'll forever hate each other,
it's not correlated.
in the end it's not about healing or letting go. she's made mistakes you are willing to name, you've made mistakes you are too ashamed to tell. it's not about healing or letting go, it's about telling your story, in the only way you can tell.
in your story you run away from your mother and in her story, she runs away from her mother.
this is how it goes. the story of a mother, untitled.
