Try Again (Love in Paris # 1)

LXXIX

Part 79

I kept on pacing back and forth. Ang lakas ng dagundong sa dibdib ko bawat segundong lumilipas. My palms are cold and sweaty, too. The churning in my stomach just adds up to the perplexing bubble enveloping my system.

Ang diin na ng pagkakagat ko sa loob ng labi ko para lang mapanatiling kalmado ang sarili ko. But it seems impossible. Lalo pa dahil wala akong natatanggap na kahit anong text galing kay Xavier. Hindi niya pa rin nababasa ang huling sinabi ko sa kanya.

Is he really on his way or this is also a ploy to get back at me for tricking him?

Pero paano kapag nagkita kami at nakapag-usap tapos ayaw na pala niya sa akin? Paano kapag nandito lang siya para tapusin ang lahat? Paano kung hindi talaga siya pupunta?

I swallowed hard, shaking both of my hands to keep myself steady.

Pupunta naman siya, 'di ba? He always does what he says he would. I knew him that way since we were college.

But that was a long time ago, and I'm certain he's changed.

I sat on the foot of my bed. Pinipigilan ko rin ang sarili kong abutin ang cellphone sa tabi. I placed it screen-down to lessen my anxiety.

I don't want to know if there is any message from him. Kung wala, ayaw kong malaman. Kung mayroon, hindi ko rin alam kung gugustuhin ko bang basahin. Paano kapag sinabi niyang hindi pala siya tutuloy at nagbago ang isip niya?

Ayaw kong malaman ang mga bagay na 'yon.

I lost count on how many years have passed since we separated, because it already felt like light years away. It doesn't matter if it's six years or nine years in total.

All I know is I have been longing for him since then. And the space he left remained empty and reserved.

Ilang beses kong pinili ang mga bagay na makabubuti sa sarili ko simula noon. I also know that he understood that. Kaya no'ng mga oras na pinili kong umalis ay hinayaan niya ako.

I am happy with all the success I have. I worked hard for everything and I'm thankful I reached this far. But the void he left remained hollow and empty.

I tried not to think about him for years. Sinubukan kong ituon ang pansin ko sa mga bagay na gusto kong marating.

I could say I did it somehow. I still have something to look forward to. But sometimes my mind lingers. Hindi ko alam kung dahil marami na akong oras ngayon para mag-isip kumpara dati na halos hatiin ko na katawan ko mapagsabay-sabay ko lang lahat ng kailangan kong gawin.

Every time I try to block my memories and my mind from thinking about what we could have been, I always end up in a spiral.

Mas lumalalim lang ang iniisip ko at mas lalo akong nagsisisi.

What if we handled our relationship better? Paano kung nag-usap kami nang maayos? I know it will work.

But it was years too late before I could think that. Nakumbinsi ko na rin ang sarili ko na hindi na kami puwede.

Mariin akong napakagat sa loob ng labi ko't pinipigilan kong suminghap. My cheeks are warm and my eyes are misty.

I always work hard for the things I want, but this time, I don't know if working hard will pay off. Hindi ko siya mapipilit kung ayaw niya. I also don't want to cheat my way with him. But maybe, I did.

My mind was haltered in the middle of a trance when the doorbell rang.

Pinalis ko ang tumakas na luha pababa sa aking pisngi saka nagmadaling lumabas ng kuwarto para lang masilip kung sino ang tao sa labas.

"Letitia," he said my name at the other side of the door even before I could open it for him.

Halos manginig pa ang kamay ko sa kaba. My heart is racing so fast, I could feel every beating because of its prominence.

He's here! He's here and I don't know what I'm up to!

Bago ko pa man makita ang kabuuan niya sinalubong ko na siya ng yakap. I don't know if he still wants me, if he still loves me or even care for me.

But I want this for myself. If he wants everything between us completely over, at least I get to have him in my arms for the last time.

"Letitia," he called my name again. Para naman akong walang narinig dahil mas humigpit ang yakap ko sa kanya.

I buried my face in his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Save. I'm sorry," paulit-ulit kong sabi.

"Sorry kasi iniwan kita dati, sorry kasi hindi kita kinausap at pinakinggan. Sorry kasi selfish ako ngayon..." Mariin akong lumunok.

Nang maramdaman ko ang pagyakap niya sa akin pabalik ay mas lalo akong naiiyak. I forgot how it feels like being in his arms again. It has always been my favorite part. I kept on revisiting memories of us before, this was one of it. But it felt like a faraway dream and I couldn't recall the exact feeling.

It was like this... exactly like it.

Nawala ang pagkakayakap sa akin ng isang kamay niya para lang maabot ang aking mukha at para makita niya ako. I was too embarrassed for him to see my face, but it was too late.

His touch against my skin is warm, and the way his thumb gently brush along my cheek to wipe my tears away makes me cry and miss him and regret everything I did even more.

Sa kabila rin ng lahat ng iyon ay hindi ko naiwasang sumandal sa hawak niya. Xavier's eyes were fixed on me, and I forgot the last time he looked at me this way.

A tear fell again and I felt a skipping beat in my chest. It was so heavy.

"Sorry sa nagawa ko..." My voice trailed off. "Mahal pa rin kita. Sorry."

Mariin kong kinagat ang loob ng bibig ko para mapigilan ang sarili kong humikbi, sinusubukan ko ring mag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya pero nakakulong naman ako.

I couldn't see clearly because of the pooling in my eyes, but I know a soft smile slowly grew on his lips before he closed the distance between us.

Just so he could plant a kiss on my forehead. Napapikit naman ako nang ginawa niya iyon.

His lips stayed there and he pulled me even closer as if we weren't already close enough. I could also feel him smiling.

"'Wag ka nang mawawala," sabi niya.

Unti-unti ay napangiti ako dahil sa narinig. I held onto him tightly.

"Promise, hindi na ako aalis."