Love together be with you never (by tesxdols)

T w e n t y F o u r

Honestly, Ethan isn't eavesdropping. Really, he's not. He was just coming back to the room for a moment to grab a book he needed before he returned to the library, where he'd even left things on the table with the intention of returning. Only he goes to push open the door without knocking, and he hears the raised voices inside, and... They're fighting. They're loud. He doesn't have to lean his head against the door to hear the distinct words they're saying. Which is why he doesn't feel that bad about it. If it was a conversation they were trying to keep private, they wouldn't be arguing so loud. "-it is!" The voice is female; it has to be Grayson's girlfriend, even if he's never heard her talk in a voice that was anything but sweet and soft. "Just tell me who the hell it is!" "It won't make a difference," Grayson reasons. "Telling you who it was-" "Was," she repeats, cutting him off. "You're using past tense, Grayson, but we both know it isn't. God, I can see it right now on your face. Who the hell is she? An ex-girlfriend? Is that it? You still have feelings for her, don't you?" "It's not an ex-girlfriend," Grayson says lowly, and Ethan does have to lean in to hear it. But he pulls back immediately, wincing at his own actions. "I promise you, Sarah-" "Don't lie to me, Grayson," she snaps. "Just be honest with me for five seconds, that's all I'm asking of you!" "It's complicated." "Complicated," she repeats, and Ethan knows Grayson's fucked up now. "People always say that, but it's not! Cheating isn't complicated! It's not something that just happens. It's not an accident, Grayson! It's a bad choice. A mistake. A huge mistake, but it's not a fucking accident. It's not something uncontrollable. It's not that complicated to keep your body parts to yourself!" "I know that," Grayson insists. "That's why I told you. You deserved to know." "What I deserve is a boyfriend that doesn't cheat on me, actually," she spits. Ethan hears footsteps heading for the door, and he jumps back, eyes wide. Shit. He pulls the hood of his sweater over his head and starts walking in the opposite direction, head ducked just in case. "And stay away from me!" he hears behind him, just before a door slams. Ethan slowly walks down the hall. He can hear her going in the opposite direction, but when the footsteps are distant and no longer within hearing distance, he stops. Should he give Grayson his space? Or should he go get his stuff? He really needs that book, he thinks, and maybe a part of him wants to make sure Grayson's okay. Even if he's still pissed at Grayson about yesterday. Even if he's done his best to avoid looking Grayson in the eyes since all of that went down. Ethan turns on the spot and heads back to the room. He pushes inside, only to find Grayson sitting on Ethan's bed, head in his hands. He looks up when Ethan shuts the door softly behind himself, and his eyes are wet and red-rimmed. "I, um, came to get my book," Ethan mumbles. "I can come back later, or-" "No, it's fine." Grayson gets off his bed. "I'm fine," he adds. "I didn't ask," is out of his mouth before he can stop it. It's automatic, a reflexive response. He hates himself as soon as the words are out there, and Grayson actually flinches at them, as if Ethan had slapped him. "No, you didn't," Grayson says, gruff, voice thick. "Why would you care, right?" Ethan leans up to grab his book from the shelf, and then he stands there, just at the end of his bed, book hanging at his side. He wants to apologize, but then, at the same time, he doesn't. What he really wants, most of all, is to not care. Because if this had happened three months ago, he wouldn't. He wouldn't give a shit if he walked into the room to find Grayson almost crying. He would have just walked back out without giving it a single thought. But now- now he wants to wrap his arms around Grayson. Wants to rub Grayson's back until he no longer look so broken and defeated. And it's Ethan's fault, partially, why he looks like that. It takes two people to cheat on someone, and Ethan had as much a part in it as Grayson did. "I'm-" Grayson shakes his head, and the words die in Ethan's throat. Slowly, Grayson picks his way across the room, over the mess on his own side, over to Ethan's spotless side. Ethan steps back, for some reason, until he hits the edge of his dresser, but Grayson keeps coming until he's trapping Ethan against it. It's rough again, whatever gentleness they'd shared the last two times gone when Grayson's lips crash down against his own. And Ethan goes with it, for awhile. Just as it's instinctive to snap at Grayson, kissing him back is an automatic response to Grayson's lips brushing his own. But Grayson's girlfriend just dumped him, and Ethan has no doubt that that is exactly why this is happening. That Ethan's going to be Grayson's rebound, for now. Until he finds someone else again, and then he'll leave Ethan in the cold once more. And Ethan is sick. He's sick of never being good enough for anyone. Sick of always being a dirty secret, never someone's first choice. Never the one they want to hold hands with, or curl up and watch movies with, or go to dinner with. Ethan's always the one they want behind closed doors, but Ethan doesn't want that anymore. He pushes Grayson away from him. "No," he says firmly. "You can't just do that anymore." Grayson shuffles back a step, and then another. He wipes at his mouth, eyes on the ground. "Ethan." It sounds like a plea, but a plea for what? "I can't do this," Ethan says. "You can't keep kissing me whenever you want. You can't keep - fucking with my head. I'm done. Okay? I'm done." "But-" Ethan walks away. Just like he had to with Max. Because if not, this would continue on for God knows how long. Until he was shattered beyond repair, all at the hands of Grayson. And he can't handle that. He can't do that to himself. No matter how much he wants to go back and kiss Grayson and act like it's okay, it's not. It's not. On his way out of the dorm, he stops at Lance and Henry's door. They're not in, so he grabs the marker hanging from the whiteboard and writes In the library. Need you. - E Ethan walks straight past the front desk when he gets to the library. He doesn't have it in him to nod a greeting to Nancy, like he normally does. Instead he heads for the back, for the table that he's practically claimed as his own. A few tables down, a girl is asleep with her head in a book, but he's alone aside from her and the books. Lance and Henry don't get there for a while, but when they do it's with snacks and..."Nick?" "We were hangin' out," Nick says with a shrug. He sits in the seat right beside Ethan. "I'm really good at cheering people up, so I figured I'd come." "I don't think you want to cheer me up," Ethan admits. "It's got to do with Grayson." "'Course it does." Nick shrugs again, stealing a chip from the bag that Lance snuck in. "When Grayson's crying on my shoulder, it's always over you. And I figure it's the same the other way around." Ethan frowns. "When was Grayson crying?" "Well, not crying," Nick corrects. "He doesn't cry. He just, like, takes a lot of deep breaths and rubs at his eyes. He's too manly for tears or some shit. I don't know. All I do know is I've never seen such a fucked up relationship in my life, to be honest." "Same," Lance puts in. "You two are the biggest mess." "I hate to agree," Henry says, "but it's kind of the truth." "It wasn't a relationship," Ethan denies. "And whatever it was - I called it off this time. Grayson didn't have to. After last night... that was the last time. I'm done with it." "Last night?" Lance demands. "What happened last night? Why wasn't I informed immediately?" "Uh, Ethan came in when Grayson was with his girlfriend, wouldn't leave, and it ended with Grayson blowing Ethan. And then Grayson said something, Ethan stormed out, or- I don't know, I kinda tune out whatever he says when he mentions Ethan's name anymore," Nick says sheepishly. "Sorry, dude, no offence to you. But there's only so many times I can hear I hate him, Nick. He's so attractive and smart and down to earth and he looks so hot in his glasses but I really hate him." Ethan blinks in surprise. He snatches the bag of chips away from Nick when he reaches for it casually, as if what he just said wasn't a big deal. "He said that?" he demands. "Grayson - he said those things?" "Uh, yeah." Nick snatches the chips back. "The guy, like, worships you, dude. Not that he'd admit it, but." No way. "That's not true." "Sure it's not," Nick says. He rolls his eyes. "It's like talking to a brick wall of denial with both of you." "It really is," Lance says. "They're so oblivious to their own feelings." "I'm right here," Ethan reminds him. Lance throws a chip at him. "I know. Get a clue." Ethan ignores him. And he thinks Nick has it twisted. Grayson doesn't think that way of him. Ethan would know. "So, are you two dating?" Nick ask Lance and Henry. The two of them exchange a look before bursting into laughter. Ethan tunes them out, too busy wondering about Grayson, and what Nick said. And thinking that Nick's so, so wrong, but how much he wishes Nick was right.