Hunt

Chapter 13: Shared Experiences

As the clock ticks ever closer to midnight I find myself having only migrated from my desk to my bed. Having accomplished close to nothing from the time Julie and I got home until now. Our parents stopped by to say "hello" but beyond that one isolated interaction I sit alone in silence. Still images from that damned massacre keep flashing past me every time I blink. Like a strobe light that's stubbornly aims to remind me of what I lost by playing Amelia's death over and over on repeat. Reliving Sam's death along with all the others. I just couldn't concentrate on my schoolwork.

Even after a year I can't stop blaming myself for losing those two. If only I had been faster, if only I had been braver and didn't freeze up, if only I had paid better attention to my training... That list of 'what if's' trails on for a long time. All of my confidence died along with the rest of the hunters that night, it was after the dust had settled that It finally hit me that to be a hunter is to be at every disadvantage. To be at the bottom of the food chain and actively search out the apex predators. Every time I step foot out that door for the sake of keeping others safe could very well be my last.

Every day after that night I pushed myself to get better. To be stronger. I drove my mind and my body to the absolute limit, focusing on controlling my mind to be the best I could be. Locking down my emotions into the dark recesses of my mind until I could seemingly shut them off entirely at will. Most of those early days ended up with my puking my guts up or crying myself to sleep. I found out all too quickly that I was just too emotional for this line of work, to empathetic to be a hunter... But despite that setback I pushed myself to change. I had to make it work. I had thought that I made some progress in the time between then and now. I had seemingly been good for months, I knew how to shut my emotions off. I could become a killer when the situation called for it... But even all that training wasn't able to prepare me for having to reliving that trauma over and over again. Especially the closer we got to the anniversary of their deaths. It had slowly been eroding those walls I had spent so much effort to build. Wearing it down until the dam finally broke and let all of my bottled up feeling flood over me.

A soft knock on the door yanks me up from my downward spiral. Like a life line tossed to me right as I was slipping under. "Y-yeah?" I respond to the knock, clearing my throat as I wipe the stubbornly persistent tear from my eye. Glancing at the clock I see it had just ticked passed midnight.

The door cracks open and I can just barely see Julie's silhouette on the other side, "You're still up? Can I come in?"

I think about saying no, it would be so easy to just distance myself and deal with all of these rampant emotions by myself, but it doesn't take long before we're both sitting on my bed talking. Telling stories and reminiscing about Amelia. I had forgotten just how close the two of them had been back then. It wasn't just me who was missing a friend right now. I was being selfish by thinking that I was the only one hurting right now. Julie needed someone to talk to about all of this, I wasn't going to tell her to go away.

"I remember there was one time when she was helping me with math..." Julie begins to retell another story, having pulled her knees to her chest as she sits at the end of my bed. She had been staring off into space as she talks. A thousand yard stare that I could empathize with.

"You do suck at math," I chime in. Interrupting her mid sentence. I watch as she immediately tunes back into the moment, her spaced out expression morphing to annoyance at my interruption.

"S-Shut up! You're not wrong, but don't interrupt me. It's rude! Anyways, we had gone over the same question three times and she was getting so frustrated," Julie stifles a smile as she continues retelling the story. "She looked just like a tomato."

I can't help but chuckle at her story, genuine laughter that seemingly takes Julie by surprise. Pulling herself from her closed off position to give me a look of astonishment. Or confusion? "I don't think I've heard you laugh like that in a long time Kyle."

"Weren't you struggling with the addition part of the problem? You had everything done right except the easiest part." I try my best to avoid Julie's comment about my laugh, brushing past it and back to her story. It had been a long time since she heard me laugh. Genuine laughter. Hell it's been a long time since I've heard myself actually laugh at something like just now. I guess there hadn't been anything necessitating it until now.

"H-hey! I had just pulled an all-nighter with her and was only being held together by angst and caffeine!" Julie claims in defense.

I cross my arms, cocking an eyebrow with a smirk. "Still..."

"I did end up passing that test by the way!" She protests, sitting up straight. Before dropping her voice to a meek whisper, "Barely..."

I'm about to open my mouth again before I'm cut off. Julie beating me to the punch.

"Hey, didn't you also nearly fail math that year? Didn't Amelia have to tutor you as well?" A smug smile tugged at Julie's lips as she successfully reversed the conversation back onto me. "If I remember correctly you nearly had to take summer school."

"W-well..." I stammer, remembering how terrible I still am at math. It's a miracle I'm doing as well as I am in calculus despite my previous shortcomings in the subject. There's just too many numbers to keep straight. The addition of letters into the mix is just a crime. Plus, if I can't actually apply the subject to something I'm doing in my life at the time I have a hard time finding the motivation to remember it. Kinda takes up space in my head where more something more 'important' should be. I retort to Julie's attempt to fluster me with a smirk, "I love math! Greatest in the family at it too. You got the Parker family prodigy right here!"

Julie punches my shoulder lightly, "Smartass."

We end up telling stories into the early hours of the morning. Julie eventually excuses herself, going back to doing whatever she does rather than sleeping. With her gone I find my thoughts claiming space where our voices used to be. It's hard to tell if that's a good thing though. I try to hold on to the happy memories and the stories Julie and I had been sharing. But they all begin to slip away, like sand through my fingers. It's not long before I've fallen back into that forest, holding Amelia's torn out throat to save a life that had already claimed.

I wish I could just tell someone, anyone, about what really happened that night. About what's really been going on and why I've been such a mess these last couple weeks. I know I could go to the other hunters. But something about that just seems uncomfortable. I needed to tell someone who would understand me. The urge arose when Julie was sitting next to me on the bed. It would've been so easy to just tell her the truth. To tell her how Amelia actually died, and how I failed to protect her. But I know that I could never do that. I couldn't willingly bring someone down with me into the depths of this world on good conscious. Even if doing so would save me in the process. It's my burden to carry, despite the weight being almost unbearable.

But it's getting harder to keep it all bottled up. I can feel it getting close to boiling over. It's just a matter of time before the words leave my tongue. Willingly or unwillingly is still to be seen.