Inside of my Mind

10 JAN 2014 ~ 6:23 PM

I tried so hard. I wanted to be okay with everything that was going on, but how can I when I lost someone I knew I'd never lose. We were so freaking close and it hurts like crap. How can you go from loving me one second and just gone the next. You changed. I know I changed too. I ruined everything so badly and I no matter how many times I apologize, it doesn't matter. Nothing does because you're always going to hate me. I'm always going to be “just another girl”. I can try and try and try and try, but it always end the same way. You stay in your room and I'll stay in mine. You do your stuff and I'll do mine. You have your life and I have mine. You know? It sucks not being able to tell you all my problems that are going on or try to convince you to write songs with me or make stupid, crazy, pointless videos where we're singing to songs and dancing abnormally. It really freaking sucks. Sometimes I wish you were still living at your mom's house so then it would be easier. Then I wouldn't have to come home and see you everyday knowing that you're just going to ignore me. I always contemplate whether I should go just try talking to you, but then there's that fear of rejection because even after so long it still hurts like crap. I still cry my eyes out because I know that we'll probably never be that close anymore. We'll never be-

Screw it. There's no point in writing this out. You're never going to read it. And even if you do what makes me think you'll care? Maybe that small hope that one day you'll walk through the front door and just be there. That we'll be okay again. That we'll be close again and talk like nothing ever happened. I wanna hear all your girly drama about you and Erin and how you guys are sooooo in love or when you talk about “bleache on the rocks”. You were the best. I was closer to you than I was to anyone and that's big to me. Losing you was like losing everything. That doesn't even sum up how much you meant to me. And for the first time you actually wanted to do something with me. Even if it was as little as riding my skateboard outside, you still wanted to do something. But then my mom had to go and say no. I shouldn't have even asked ya know? I know there's a possibility that I would've gotten in trouble, but why the hell not? It would be worth it because we'd actually be spending time together.

Ugh, I'm soooooo freaking lame. WHY AM I WRITING THIS. WHY AM I WRITING ANY OF THIS. Ughh. Screw everything.